Visitations
by CheerfulChemist
Summary: This is my Castle Halloween 2014 entry. The ghost of Johanna Beckett comes back to prepare Kate for her wedding. Only Kate can see or hear her, but Castle knows she's there and thinks it's a scream. Johanna takes Kate to various times in the past to learn from her own behavior. I'm rating this T for safety. I own nothing. Follow me on Twitter @CheerfulChemist.
1. Chapter 1

Visitations

Chapter 1

In the Beginning

Kate gazed at the man lying beside her. He looked even more boyish in sleep, hair falling into his face. "Whatever he's dreaming must be fun," she thought as the corners of his mouth turned upward. Kate wished she could join him in whatever happy realm his sleeping brain had found, but she was wide awake. They had agreed to a pressure free month before discussing the wedding again, but questions assaulted her. She loved Castle more than she had ever loved anyone, except perhaps for her parents, but there were times when she had lost hope and worse, times when she had lost trust. There were also times when he just annoyed the hell out of her. When she needed a respite from Castle or even from Alexis or Martha, she could still retreat to her own place, as she had when Castle was missing. After they were married, there would be no retreat. She wasn't sure she was ready to handle that. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing sleep to come.

Hearing a rustling noise, she wondered if Martha or Alexis had wandered in, but remembered that Castle had gotten a decent lock for the bedroom door. A voice called, almost like a whisper of the wind. Kate's eyes flew open, scanning the dark room for the source of the sound. A figure stood over her, illuminated by moonlight streaming through the window. Kate stared into eyes startlingly like her own. "Mom?" she breathed in wonder. "How can you be here? Am I dreaming?"

"No," Johanna assured her. "Much as you seemed to be struggling to get some rest, you're awake. In a way, that's why I'm here, to help you relax and be truly ready for your wedding."

"This must be one of those dreams within a dream," Kate said more to herself than to Johanna, "where you think you woke up, but you didn't."

Kate felt Castle stirring beside her. "Kate, who are you talking to?" he asked. "Is there a body?"

Kate expected Johanna to vanish with Castle's awakening, but the vision of her mother remained. "He can't see me or hear me," Johanna told her. "That's reserved for you. But you can tell him I'm here. He's probably one of the few people in the universe who'll believe you."

"No body, at least not in the literal sense. I was talking to my mother, Castle," Kate explained hesitantly.

"Oh, were you dreaming about her?" Castle asked. "Usually I'm the one who talks in my sleep."

"N-n-no, Castle she's here!" Kate blurted out.

Castle sat up, trying to clear the muzziness from his head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean she, or at least her ghost is here," Kate responded shakily. "She says I'm the only one who can see her or hear her."

"Wow! This is so cool!" Castle exclaimed. "The logical, rational, Kate Beckett talking to a ghost."

"Castle, if you tell anyone, especially Esposito," Kate warned, "I swear there will be two ghosts here."

"Not that he'd believe it anyway," Castle answered, "although Ryan might."

"Castle!" Kate protested.

"All right," Castle agreed "my lips are sealed. Did she say why she's here?"

"She said she's here to prepare me for my wedding." Kate relayed.

"What? Like help you pick out a dress?" Castle asked.

"Wait, what happened to mine?" Johanna asked. "Didn't Jim save it for you?"

"Mom, it's a long story," Kate explained, "but wait a minute, weren't you watching?"

Castle listened to the one sided conversation with puzzled amusement.

"That's not how it works," Johanna continued to her daughter. "As it was explained to me, I get to come back for one wish I had when I was dying. Mine was that I could help you prepare fore a life with the right man. Before I was sent back, I was sort of given the Cliff Notes about you and Castle. I know what he's like and how your relationship has grown, but I don't know a lot of the details. So what happened to my dress?"

"The Cliff Notes version of that is I sank down in the mud wearing it when I thought Castle had been killed," Kate replied. "The dry cleaner tried, but there was no rescuing it. But anyway, I don't know what I'll need. Castle and I tried the big wedding thing once. When we do it this time, we may just go down to City Hall. But somehow, I don't think you're here about a dress."

"No," Johanna confirmed, "I'm here because you can be your own worst enemy, Kate. You let fear and doubt sink in and push away love. From what I've been told, you've let that happen more than once in your relationship with Castle. I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen again."

"How?" Kate asked.

"I do have the power to take you back in time," Johanna revealed.

"Like the ghost of Christmas past?" Kate asked, while Castle chortled at hearing her question.

"Something like that," Johanna agreed. "If you're ready, right now I'd like to take you back to the first time you met Castle."

"When the murders based on his books took place?" Kate queried.

"No," Johanna corrected, "the first time, not long after I died, when you went to his book signing. Now!"

Nineteen year-old Kate was at the end of the line. She fidgeted, running her fingers over the slick surface of the picture on the book jacket. "Was that me?" Kate asked Johanna, as she took in the scene.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah. You were nervous to meet your idol. I'm told you had binge read every one of my Castle books."

"That's true," older Kate agreed. "You loved them so much, it made me feel close to you, and I loved the reassurance. In the end, there was always an answer to the mystery."

"And you fell in love with the face on the cover," Johanna added.

"I guess I did," older Kate admitted, "though I've never told Castle that."

"Why do you think that is?" Johanna asked.

"I don't know," older Kate replied.

"I think you do," Johanna prodded. "It would have made you vulnerable. You couldn't let that happen. You were hiding behind the wall you built to keep from getting hurt. You didn't let him in and it became a habit."

"That was a habit that I broke," older Kate protested.

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Really? So why haven't you told him? Look, you're getting to the head of the line. Look at you! Those are love eyeballs if ever I've seen them. This should be a memory to be cherished, not repressed. I think you still have a little demolition to do."

"You may be right," older Kate conceded uncomfortably. "Can we go back now?"

"This little jaunt is finished," Johanna answered, returning Kate to the bedroom of the loft and Castle's astonished eyes. "You two talk. I'll be back."

"Where were you?" Castle asked. "You were only gone a second."

Kate climbed onto the bed next to him, taking his face in her hands. "Remembering how I fell in love with you."


	2. Chapter 2

Visitations

Chapter 2

Feet of Clay

The enticing aroma of Marinara sauce still hung in the air as the Castle clan sat down to dinner. "Kate," Martha inquired, "have you got a new case?"

Castle gloried in the soft gleams of light reflected from Kate's hair as she shook her head. "No, just paperwork."

"That explains why Richard wasn't with you," Martha commented.

"Mother," Castle protested, "I was writing. Now that I'm putting out both a Derrick Storm and a Nikki Heat every year, I really have to make up for lost time."

Kate reached out to take Castle's hand as the pall associated with his disappearance fell over the room. "Anyone for dessert?" Alexis asked, desperately attempting to lighten the mood. "It's chocolate."

"You go ahead," Castle instructed getting up from the table, "I just thought of an ending for my chapter."

"Stupid!" Martha berated herself, after he left.

"Martha," Kate soothed, "the last thing Castle wants is for everyone to walk on eggshells around him. He wants to get back to normal and teasing him about hating paperwork is normal. He'll be all right. I'll go check on him."

"I'll clean up," Alexis added helpfully.

Kate wrapped her arms around Castle's neck as he typed on his laptop. "You okay?" she asked.

Castle reached up to cover her hands with his. "I'm fine, but I really do want to finish this. Can we talk later?"

"Sure," Kate agreed reluctantly.

Searching the bedroom for her tablet, Kate was startled to hear her mother's voice behind her. "Problem?" Johanna asked.

"No – yes – I don't know," Kate answered. "Most of the time Castle and I try to act as if his disappearance never happened, but some little thing like a comment from Martha brings it back and he draws into himself. I'm not sure what's going on in his head."

"Not the first time you've been unsure about that, is it?" Johanna probed.

"No," Kate admitted.

"Let's go back to the first time," Johanna suggested.

Kate saw her younger self sitting opposite a scruffy but devastatingly handsome Castle, in the box. Her hair was short and she wore practically no makeup. She wasn't dressed to attract male attention but she certainly had his, as he offered to let her spank him for past criminal offenses.

"What do you think was going on here?" Johanna asked.

"Castle was being an immature self-centered jerk," Kate answered.

"You were angry." Johanna stated.

"I was furious," Kate agreed.

"Why?" Johanna asked. "Certainly you had to put up with much worse things in interrogations than someone acting like a jackass. Why did it bother you so much?"

"Because I thought he – and he wasn't and I..." Kate stammered.

"Because the Castle in your head, the writer you had a crush on, was deep and insightful and the Castle you thought you saw in front of you didn't match the heroic image you'd created," Johanna stated matter-of-factually.

"Yes," Kate grudgingly agreed.

"But despite that, you wanted to jump his bones and hated yourself for it," Johanna continued.

Kate nodded.

"Do you think Castle really is an immature self-centered jerk?" Johanna asked.

Kate smiled. "Well he certainly can be a big kid. Sometimes that's annoying but it's also part of his charm. I wish I had his sense of wonder. Self centered? He's put everything, including his life, on the line for me and for Alexis. He's been there for Martha even when it's completely cramped his style, our style now. He's probably the most generous man I know."

"So what was really going on here?" Johanna asked.

"I'm not sure," Kate answered. "He'd just been through his second divorce. His mother had moved in and he was having a lot of trouble writing. I didn't know any of that at the time. Joking around, being the class clown, is his coping mechanism. I guess that's what he was doing. He did it so well I couldn't see through the mask. I should have. I should have been a better detective than that."

"Let's look at something else that happened on that case," Johanna proposed.

Younger Kate and Castle sat opposite each other at a table, but this time in the conference room, surrounded by piles of his fan mail. Castle had wormed his way into consulting on the case and younger Kate's annoyance was obvious. She asked Castle what he was doing there. He told her he was there for the story, but then turned the tables. He had deduced, from, as far as younger Kate could tell practically no information, that she had become a cop because of the unsolved death of a loved one."

"How did you feel when he told you that?" Johanna asked.

"Disturbed," Kate answered. "I didn't like being that transparent, especially not to him."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"Because I was so attracted to him and I didn't want him to know it," Kate admitted.

"Why?" Johanna asked again.

Kate shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Because I still thought he was a jerk and was thoroughly ashamed of myself for still wanting him."

"I think there was another reason," Johanna offered. "Let's look at one more thing."

They were in the public library. Castle had put one over on younger Kate. He pilfered her crime scene photos to continue to investigate a case she was sure she had closed. She was beyond angry. She arrested him and had unformed police cuff him for transport back to the precinct. Rather than being upset, Castle smiled and referred to the cuffs as bondage. He even told her his safe word: "apples." He also told her that she'd collared the wrong guy for the murders.

"Why were you so angry at him there?" Johanna asked.

"He interfered with my investigation," Kate replied too quickly.

"Really?" Johanna asked skeptically. "Was that all?"

"Why don't you tell me?" Kate proposed, beginning to get more than a little peeved at the wraith.

"Kate," Johanna said gently, "You knew you had met someone as smart as you were, who you couldn't control. That drew you to him even more, but it scared you to death."

"Where did you get that?" Kate asked.

Johanna laughed. "That's the way it was with your father, at least in a way. We were very different people. He's serious and settled. He can watch a game in which nothing can happen for innings, likes class action cases, and drinks his coffee black. I was the one who wanted to go skating, do my law up close and personal, and drink vanilla lattes. But his insight, the way he understands people, the way he understands you, is a mystery to me. Sometimes it really annoyed me that he didn't want to tackle the world in the same way that I did, but I knew I couldn't change him and I really didn't want to. Whatever failings he has, they are part of the person he is, and I loved the whole package. We were two halves of a whole. Our minds melded, like yours and Castle's. But I still got the maddest at him when he was right, because it scared me to see how diminished I would have been without him. Do you have to understand every thought in Castle's head to love him?"

"Of course not!" Kate retorted.

"How about to trust him?" Johanna continued despite Kate's fiery response.

This time Kate's answer came more slowly. "I shouldn't have to." Johanna looked at her expectantly. The flash of anger fading, Kate slowly nodded her understanding."I think I'm ready to go back now."

"I think you are too." Johanna agreed.

Closing his laptop at the completion of a chapter, Castle wandered into the bedroom to find Kate lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Are you okay?" Castle asked.

"Yeah," Kate responded, "my mother was here again. We went back to the first case you and I did together, when I kept trying to get rid of you."

"I remember," Castle told her, lightly caressing her cheek. "I had to use both the mayor and Captain Montgomery to keep you from doing it. So what are you thinking about now?"

Kate reached up, cupping the back of his head to bring his lips to hers. "That no matter what's happened, I always have been and I always will be, better with you than without you."

Castle pulled her into his arms, feeling the reassurance of her body against his. "And I've never needed anyone more."


	3. Chapter 3

Visitations

Chapter 3

Covering Up

"You two look beat," Martha observed as Kate and Castle came through the door, well into the night.

"There's some sicko running around out there blowing things up," Castle explained.

"Has anyone been hurt?" Martha asked.

"Two people killed," Kate reported stiffly. "So far all we can determine is that the victims were associated with Stuyvesant High School, my alma mater. One went there as a student, the other one was a teacher, but we have no idea of the motive or where the killer might strike next."

"Can you warn people?" Alexis asked, coming down the stairs.

"Stuyvesant sent out a warning on the alumni email list, but a lot of people aren't on it, including me. It's mostly used to ask for money and I think most of us don't want to be bothered. It will be going out over social media and the news, but without more information, other than leaving town, I don't know what people can do to protect themselves," Kate answered discouraged. "We have to catch this guy. CSU is doing some analysis and the FBI is getting into it too, but right now we have almost nothing to go on."

"Kate," Castle advised, massaging her shoulders lightly, "while CSU is working, you need to get some rest."

Kate could feel the tiredness in the set of his body as he touched her. "So do you."

Kate pulled the covers over her head as she tried to block out the visions of flames rising from ruined buildings. Her mother's voice penetrated the blankets. "Covering up doesn't help."

Kate peeked out. "What?"

"Covering up doesn't help. It won't make the fear go away. It just makes it worse. You'd probably sleep better if you'd just let Castle hold you."

Kate gazed at the man beside her. "I don't want to disturb him," she whispered softly. "He's worked as hard on this case as I have."

"I doubt that he'd see it as disturbing him," Johanna offered. "I think it's time for another trip."

* * *

><p>"This is my old apartment," Kate observed. "The one Scott Dunn blew up."<p>

Johanna nodded. "It looks like you and Castle are having an argument."

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "The FBI agent who hijacked my case, Agent Shaw, had sent me home to rest, which was the last thing I wanted to do. Castle showed up at my door with a bottle of expensive wine, saying Agent Shaw said we should decompress."

"Was that really why he was there?" Johanna asked.

Kate shook her head. "Castle thought Dunn was hunting me because of Heat Wave. Dunn was confusing me with Nikki Heat and Castle felt guilty and wanted to take care of me."

"That's kind of sweet," Johanna commented, "so why were you arguing?"

Kate sighed. "Castle had been paying a lot of attention to Agent Shaw. He knew the history of her cases and he looked at all her FBI equipment like bright shiny toys. He was even building theory with her. I didn't like it. I was upset."

"Upset or jealous?" Johanna prodded.

"Jealous," Kate admitted. "I told him that he was supposed to be building theory with me and asked him to run his ideas by me first."

"Did he object to that?" Johanna asked.

"No," Kate replied. "He seemed fine with it. But then he refused to go home. So I reminded him that I slept with a gun."

Johanna gave a very Beckett-like roll of her eyes. "Were you afraid that he would try something, or afraid that he wouldn't?"

"I don't know," Kate confessed. "I think if he had tried I might have given in. I was afraid of giving myself a choice."

"So you crawled under the covers and cuddled up with your gun," Johanna remarked.

"The gun was actually in the drawer next to me, but yeah," Kate agreed sheepishly. "Castle slept on the couch, then he got up in the morning to make pancakes. I didn't know it then, but he made pancakes for Alexis whenever she was upset or disappointed. I guess that was his way of offering comfort. Unfortunately a body dropped through the front door when he went to get the paper and we didn't get to eat them."

"But he was there for you?" Johanna asked unnecessarily.

Kate nodded. "Whether I wanted him to be or not."

"Let's look at what happened later." Johanna proposed.

Kate saw a naked version of herself cowering in a bathtub in the same apartment, now in flames.

"How did you find yourself in a predicament like that?" Johanna asked.

"I should have been dead," Kate confessed. "I would have been. We, everybody, even Agent Shaw thought the killer was dead. Captain Montgomery took the protective detail he had on me off and I let my guard down. But Castle figured it out. He tried to call me, but I was in the shower. When he couldn't reach me, he jumped in a cab and came over. He managed to call me just before the bomb blew and I jumped in the tub."

Johanna disappeared for an instant. "Castle just broke down the door." Johanna reported when she returned. "He fell on his face when he did it too. He's coming this way."

They could both see the look of relief and surprise on Castle's face when he caught sight of a live but naked Kate. Naked Kate immediately tried to cover herself, asking first for a towel, then a bathrobe, both of which were on fire. When she finally asked for Castle's jacket, she insisted that he not look, as he held it for her.

Castle gently suggested that perhaps modesty should not be Kate's greatest concern when her apartment was on fire.

"You know, Kate," Johanna said, "I've seen you do some pretty stupid things out of that stubborn determination of yours, but that one is pretty close to the top. Being more concerned with Castle seeing you naked than with getting out of a burning building? Really? What were you afraid of? He wasn't about to jump you in the middle of the flames. You have a lovely body and you've never been shy about letting people of the male persuasion know it, so why did you have to cover up for Castle?"

Kate thought about it. If it had been anyone else, she would have told them that the most important thing would be to get out of the fire and not to worry about anything else. That was safety lesson number one, a thing she learned in kindergarten. When there's a fire, just worry about getting out.

"Kate?" Johanna questioned.

"I guess," Kate mused half to herself, "that covering up, shielding myself from Castle, was my way of clinging to the last of my control in an out of control situation."

"And?" Johanna urged.

"I'm still doing it," Kate realized. "When things get out of control I try to cover up, whether it makes sense or not."

"I think we're done here," Johanna announced.

Kate was instantly transported back to bed. "Castle," she whispered.

"Kate," he murmured, as even with his eyes closed, the corners of his mouth turned up at the sound of her voice.

Kate felt Castles arms reach around her, drawing her to spoon in the curve of his body. Sleep approached like a comforting mantle as Kate allowed herself to relax in Castle's embrace, but just before she was lost in slumber, Kate heard a voice retreating in the distance. "I told you so."


	4. Chapter 4

Visitations

Chapter 4

Safe Choices

Ice cream making was underway in the Castle kitchen. In his typical fashion, Castle had chosen the most high tech method possible, using liquid nitrogen. "Why is he doing that?" Johanna asked, popping in beside Kate. "What's wrong with salt, or one of those tubs you put in the freezer?"

"Castle developed an interest in liquid nitrogen when it was used as a murder weapon on a case we worked on." Kate explained. "The murder scene was at a restaurant owned by Maddy Queller. You remember her?"

Johanna snorted. "Oh course I remember her. You two were great friends in high school. You stole some of my best make-up to give her a makeover as I recall."

"You knew about that?" Kate asked.

Johanna shook her head dismissively. "Please, It's not like I thought your father took it. I knew what was going on with you. And speaking of high school, did you get the Stuyvesant bomber?

"Yeah," Kate reported. "It turned out it was someone who couldn't pass the entrance exam and was trying to prove how smart he was. Fortunately, he wasn't as smart as he thought he was. CSU analyzed the bomb fragments and we traced the materials. He'll be trying to prove his smarts in the penitentiary. But you were asking about the case involving Maddy."

"Right," Johanna agreed. "How did Castle develop his fascination for the cold stuff from that case?"

"I'm not sure. I wasn't really in his head then," Kate admitted. "I was thinking about someone else at the time."

"Another cop?" Johanna asked.

"Mmmm," Kate confirmed.

"Oh," Johanna declared, taking them both back to the 12th Precinct. "We need to take a look at that."

They could see Castle hurrying in with a carrier of coffee, but seeing Earlier Kate drinking coffee and smiling with another man.

"Who's that?" Johanna asked.

"Tom Demming. He's a robbery cop. We worked together on a previous case," Kate responded too offhandedly.

"So you were making a date with him?" Johanna returned.

"Why not?" Kate protested defensively. "He's tall, handsome, works with disadvantaged kids, and has nice blue eyes."

"His eyes are closer together than Castle's," Johanna sniped. "He's kind of white bread, isn't he? Not very exciting. Are you sure you're not putting on a show for Castle? You're even asking Castle if going out with Demming is a problem."

"Castle had been doing his own thing," Kate retorted. "He slept with some starlet who was trying to get herself cast in the movie of Heat Wave."

Johanna clucked knowingly. "I see."

"Anyway," Castle said he had no problem with my going out with Demming.

"Right," Johanna countered, "so you were both being a couple of idiots. So where did Maddy and the case come in?"

"Castle and I checked out the body, a chef named Balthazar Wolf," Kate explained. "I had no idea who he was but Castle was going on and on about _Kitchen Wars _and something called molecular gastronomy. That's apparently where the liquid nitrogen came in. Wolf used it in his work and he was murdered with it. The guy's hand broke off and shattered. I think that might have gotten Castle's attention. Then we found out Maddy owned the place, or at least was partners with Wolf. I introduced her to Castle and she immediately began giving him dirt on our high school days at Stuyvesant."

"And you were pissed off," Johanna surmised.

"She told Castle I watched _Saved By the Bell_ reruns," Kate complained.

"You did," Johanna pointed out. "But you were embarrassed to ruin your bad ass detective image with Castle by having him know about it."

Kate nodded sheepishly.

"I need to see that conversation," Johanna announced. She and Kate materialized as Maddy was asking Kate to accompany her to a Rocco DiSpirito charity event.

"So you turned her down, for your date with Demming," Johanna observed. "But look at that. Castle is stepping in and you're jealous."

"No I wasn't," Kate protested. "I was fine. I even told Maddy so when she asked me."

"Of course you were," Johanna taunted. "Let's see what happened on Maddy's date with Castle."

They materialized as Castle and Maddy were eating off each others' forks. Earlier Kate promptly took Maddy in for questioning. Things only got worse for Earlier Kate when Maddy accused her of breaking up Maddy's date with Castle because she was hot for him and wanted to make little Castle babies. It was all the more mortifying because Castle was watching from observation.

"You were totally red-faced to have Castle hear that, but I didn't hear you deny it," Johanna pointed out, "although I don't know about the making little Castle babies part. You've never been enthusiastic about that."

"I didn't used to be," Kate answered, "but with Castle..."

"Loving someone does make all the difference doesn't it?" Johanna asked. "Did you know you loved Castle then? It was certainly obvious enough to Maddy."

"It was more obvious to her than it was to me," Kate confessed.

"So you were with Tom," Johanna observed.

"So I was with Tom," Kate repeated.

"So who really killed the chef?" Johanna asked.

"His best friend, his foster brother David," Kate replied.

"Why would he do that?" Johanna asked, confused.

"I think you'll have to see to understand," Kate told her. "Wolf had been at a cafe every afternoon from three to five. Can you get us there?"

Johanna looked up for a moment as if receiving information and nodded. Balthazar Wolf sat a table staring out a window at the boutique across the street. He wasn't interested in the clothes or the shoppers. His eyes never left the clerk. "He looks at her the way Castle looks at you," Johanna observed.

Kate ignored the comment. "Her name is Cecily. She's David's girlfriend, but Wolf is in love with her and she's carrying his child."

"Oops!" Johanna interjected.

"Wolf was trying to get up the courage to propose," Kate continued. "He had a ring. He finally put it in the cake he was making when he was killed. Castle figured that part out. He found the ring and showed it to me, pretty much put it in my face actually."

"And how did you feel when Castle shoved an engagement ring at you?" Johanna asked.

"Confused," Kate confided. "For a minute I wished..."

Johanna laughed. "At least you got there eventually. If Cecily was pregnant with Wolf's child, why do you think she was with David?"

"Castle and I talked about that," Kate said.

"What was that conversation like?" Johanna asked.

Kate sighed. "I understood where Cecily was coming from. Wolf was a bad boy. He slept around. He was exciting and bigger than life, but she doubted she could depend on him for the long term."

"Kind of like the way you thought of Castle back then?" Johanna suggested.

"Sort of, I guess," Kate agreed. "Cecily thought that as much as Wolf made her feel alive, eventually he'd leave her. She had no idea he was going to propose. So she stayed with David. She thought he was safe. But as it turned out, he wasn't. He found out the baby was Wolf's and killed him. Now she's going to have to raise the child alone."

"So if it had been you then, would you have stayed with David?" Johanna asked, "even if you were in love with Wolf?"

Kate considered it. "You know at the time Castle said, '"The heart wants what the heart wants.' But I don't think I could quite believe it. I might have gone for the safe choice, chosen David the way I chose Tom."

"And now?" Johanna prompted.

"Castle's still not the safe choice. There are things we don't know, that we may never know. But life isn't safe and I can't imagine choosing anyone else."

A/N Stuyvesant High School is not fictional. It is one of the special high schools in New York City, free but entrance by a tough exam. For Kate and Maddy to have gone there, they would both have to have been smart cookies.


	5. Chapter 5

Visitations

Chapter 5

At Your Back

"What did Castle do?" Johanna asked, popping in while Kate arranged flowers in a vase.

"Why?" Kate asked, confused.

"Usually flowers are an apology," Johanna replied.

Kate shook her head. "No, a Castle apology is more like an offer to buy me a pony. He usually gives me flowers to make me feel better about something. These are because one of my collars got bargained down to a misdemeanor and will be out in six months. The guy's a scuzz bag. I wanted to see him gone for at least five years and Castle knew it. So he bought me flowers."

"How long has this been going on?" Johanna inquired.

As Kate thought back, Johanna brought them to the moment.

Tears running down her face, Earlier Kate answered a knock on the door of her new apartment to see an unsure Castle bearing a bouquet. Castle seemed surprised to find her alone and asked where Josh was. "Who's Josh?" Johanna asked.

"He's a doctor," Kate explained. "He was my boyfriend at the time, but he was on a mercy mission to Africa. That's why I was alone."

"Obviously you weren't alone," Johanna observed. "Castle showed up - with flowers. Why were you so upset?"

"Oh wow," Kate exclaimed. "That is a huge story."

"Then let's start from the beginning," Johanna suggested.

Earlier Kate was knocking on Castle's door. "Can we talk?" she asked when he greeted her. Castle ushered her in. "I got a call from John Raglan," she explained.

"The detective who investigated your mother's murder?" Castle asked.

Earlier Kate nodded. "He said there's something I should know. He wants to meet at a coffee shop but he said not to bring any cops."

"Kate, isn't that when you bring lots of cops?" Castle wondered.

Earlier Kate shook her head. "I can't risk it. Castle, come with me."

"Whatever you need," Castle agreed.

"Johanna switched the location to the coffee shop as Castle and Earlier Kate slid into a booth opposite John Raglan, who protested that he'd said no cops.

"He's not a cop," Earlier Kate informed Raglan.

"Then who is he?"Raglan asked.

"Someone I trust." Earlier Kate replied.

"Quite a statement," Johanna commented.

"I guess it was," Kate agreed thoughtfully. "Solving your murder was the driving force in my life and the one person I wanted with me was Castle. I'd never realized what that meant before."

The shot came through the window, splattering Earlier Kate's sweater with blood and knocking John Raglan to the ground. Castle stared at the blood on Earlier Kate's chest horrified. "You're hit!"

"It's not my blood," Earlier Kate corrected quickly, allowing Castle to shake off his shock. He tried to staunch the cascade of blood from Raglan's chest while Earlier Kate called for back-up. Raglan died under Castle's hands.

Police arrived in force, including Captain Montgomery.

"You know," Kate mused to Johanna. "At the time it seemed like Roy Montgomery was concerned about me and about what he'd have to tell the media. When he tried to steer me away from your murder to stay on Raglan's shooting, I thought it was for my good. But he was probably scared to death that Raglan told me something that would have given him away. He was involved with what Raglan was doing."

"How about Castle?" Johanna asked. "Look at him wiping off his hands. He looks white as a sheet."

"Yeah, he does," Kate agreed. "At the time I thought it was because Raglan died in front of him."

"But it wasn't, was it?" Johanna pushed.

Kate shook her head. "No. It was because he thought I'd been shot. I didn't really get it."

"You probably didn't want to," Johanna offered.

Kate nodded, slowly and silently.

"So what about this brought Castle to your door?" Johanna asked.

"Still a long story," Kate explained, pulling herself out of her thoughts. "We brought in Raglan's old partner, McAllister for questioning. But he was in on the whole dirty operation and pointed us toward someone who was a red herring at the time, a drug dealer named Vulcan Simmons. I thought Simmons was behind your murder because of the campaign you'd been pursuing in Washington Heights. I almost put him through a mirror, which gave Montgomery a perfect excuse to take me off the case. That's why I was home when Castle knocked."

"Going back to your place a little later," Johanna announced.

Castle knocked on the door again. This time instead of flowers, he brought a file. "You told him to go home," Johanna observed. "Why?"

"Things were getting dangerous and I didn't really understand why he kept sticking with it," Kate explained. "It looks like he's explaining that to you. So he's your partner. Wasn't that obvious? Sounds like he's leaving something out, like his feelings for you."

"I don't think either of us was ready for that, or for what happened later," Kate mused.

"What happened later?" Johanna asked. "Never mind, we'll take a look."

Earlier Kate and Castle sat in car observing a guard on a building.

"What's going on?" Johanna queried.

"Lockwood, the guy who shot Raglan, was holding Ryan and Esposito, the two cops who work with me, prisoner. Castle and I were trying to figure out how to take the guard out without alerting Lockwood and getting Ryan and Esposito killed. I was out of ideas, but Castle had one."

Johanna and Kate watched as Earlier Kate and Castle put on their drunk act. When it was obvious that it wasn't working and Earlier Kate was about to pull her gun, Castle grabbed her and kissed her.

"Not what you expected, was it?" Johanna commented as Earlier Kate and Castle starred in each other in wonderment at the intensity of feelings flooding through them. They came together again, passion almost obscuring purpose, but Earlier Kate was able to keep some wits about her and take out an amused but convinced guard. "You didn't really believe Castle when he said that what was amazing was your taking out the guard. You knew it was the kiss, right?" Johanna questioned. "You two looked like you were about to burn through the pavement."

"I wanted to believe him," Kate countered. "That way I didn't have to think about it and could get on with the job. Besides, if I had admitted that it meant something, then I would have been cheating on Josh. I wasn't going down that road."

"Your capacity to ignore your feelings continues to amaze me," Johanna admitted, "but it looks like your ruse worked. Let's follow them inside."

Earlier Kate, gun in hand, followed by an unarmed Castle, approached a room of armed men. She was able to take out a couple of his men, but Lockwood got her in his cross hairs. Lockwood was squeezing the trigger when Castle fell on him from above and rained punches on his face, leaving Lockwood bloodied and unconscious.

"I never realized how close that was!" Kate exclaimed. "Another fraction of a second and I would have been dead. Castle went after a trained killer with nothing, and took him out to save me."

"It looks like Castle beat the bloody hell out of him in the process," Johanna noted.

"He beat the bloody hell out of his hand too," Kate added. "I came to see him in the ambulance after a paramedic tried to patch him up."

"Let's watch," Johanna offered. "He's unwinding the bandage."

"Yeah, he said his hand was excruciating," Kate recalled. "I thought he just meant the bandage was too tight and was being dramatic, but he was probably being accurate. I'm surprised he didn't break it."

"You re-bandaged it for him" Johanna noted.

"Mmm hmm, and I was thanking him for having my back. I don't think I realized just how much he risked to protect me. Lockwood could have killed him, easily."

"Listen," Johanna urged. "He said 'always.' Do you think he meant he'll always have your back?"

"Yes," Kate affirmed. "But" she murmured, half to herself, "even then he meant much more."

A/N The conversation at the loft is based on a deleted scene from Knockdown.


	6. Chapter 6

Visitations

Chapter 6

One

"Isn't that one addressed to both of us?" Kate asked as Castle sorted through the mail.

"Yeah," Castle replied grumpily. "It's from Alex Conrad."

"What does he say?" Kate asked.

Castle grudgingly opened the envelope. "He says that he's sorry he didn't get in touch sooner, but Gina sent him out on tour. He's glad I made it back from whatever happened to me; he hopes we can complete our ceremony soon and wishes us much happiness."

"Well that's sweet, Castle. What's the problem?"

"I just think he jumped into the gap too soon, like he tried to jump in with you," Castle fretted.

"Castle, I think he was just doing what Black Pawn made him do. Remember, you had to do the same thing when I was in D.C. and we had to cancel all those weekends together," Kate recalled, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Don't worry about it. You're still the star, for Black Pawn and for me."

Castle reached up to squeeze her hand. "Yeah, I know. It's just, we're trying to get back to normal and it was sort of a flashback. It bothered me."

Castle continued with his pile of correspondence while Kate went in search of coffee in the kitchen. "What was all that about?" Johanna asked, materializing next to her.

Kate almost dropped the pot. "Don't do that," she hissed.

"Sorry," Johanna apologized. "Didn't mean to startle you, but who's Alex Conrad and how did he try to jump in with you?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "It wasn't what Castle made it sound like. Alex Conrad was Castle's protegé. Castle helped him get his first novel published and then invited him to the precinct to observe."

"Considering how miffed Castle was, we should go look at that." Johanna proposed.

Kate and Johanna appeared at the precinct as Alex Conrad was studying the murder board. "Maybe you're looking at it wrong," Alex suggested. "Maybe the steroids have nothing to do with the murder. Maybe they're your red herring."

"Oh, Castle does not look happy," Johanna observed, as Castle introduced Alex to Earlier Kate. "Piercing intelligence, self-assured beauty," Johanna mimicked. "What a suck up! And you fell for that?"

Kate shuffled uncomfortably. "Not exactly. Anyway, Alex was really talking about Nikki Heat, which is sort of Castle's view of me."

"Sure," Johanna smirked. "I can see why Castle would be pissed."

"It wasn't just that," Kate rushed to add. "Castle was the one who found the steroids in the first place. They were in the wall of the victims room. Alex was stealing his thunder with the case."

"I think you kind of liked that," Johanna asserted. "You got a kick out of seeing Castle taken down a peg."

"Well, Castle did invite Alex without asking me. He deserved a little bit of a slap down," Kate argued.

"So you took Alex's suggestion and agreed to go out with him that night to punish Castle?" Johanna asked.

"Maybe," Kate agreed guiltily, "but I also thought he might be right."

"Was he?" Johanna asked.

"No," Kate admitted, "Castle was. "It was about the steroids. Still..."

Johanna laughed. "Come on Kate, you were trying to make Castle jealous. By the way, were you still with that doctor?"

"Mmm," Kate confirmed, "but I don't even remember where he was. I wasn't even thinking about him."

"Obviously," Johanna concluded. "I want to see how your little gambit played out."

The scene shifted to Earlier Kate sitting at her desk upon which sat a huge basket of mini-muffins, which Castle started to attack until informed that Alex had sent them. Castle dropped a small goody like a stone, picked up the note from the basket and read, "'Thanks for last night.' I guess you two got together last night."

"Yeah," Earlier Kate told him. "we talked about procedure."

"Oh, so nothing special," Castle commented, relieved.

Earlier Kate leaned back in her chair, thrusting her breasts against the restraint of her white blouse. "Well I don't know. He said he was going to use it for his next book. He said next time we'd talk about cases," she teased.

Castle rose to the bait."Next time?"

The conversation was interrupted by Ryan with information about the case.

Johanna snorted. "Well that was pretty junior high school, sticking your boobs out at him while talking about another guy, but I guess if you were trying to make Castle jealous, you certainly succeeded. Now the question is, why pull such an infantile prank. You were upset with Castle for not getting your permission to invite Alex to the precinct, but that had nothing to do with the sexual teasing, especially since you supposedly had a boyfriend. What did you want Kate?"

Kate felt confused. "I guess when you look at it that way, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe I thought that Castle was taking me, our relationship, a little for granted, and I wanted to shake him up a bit. Anyway, he fought back."

"Oh?" Johanna inquired, "I want to see."

They were in the hallway of the precinct the next night. "Kate are you ready?" Alex asked Earlier Kate.

"Yeah, um just let me get my purse," Earlier Kate replied walking away and leaving Alex with Castle.

"You guys going out again tonight?" Castle inquired casually.

"What can I say? She's a wealth of information," Alex replied. "You are lucky to have her."

"Yeah, yeah," Castle agreed, dangling a hook. "Too bad about tonight, though."

"Too bad how?" Alex asked as Castle chuckled inwardly.

"Well it's poker night," Castle informed him gleefully. "Lahane and Connelly are in town. I thought you might want to join us, but if you have plans..."

"No way!" Alex exclaimed. "You're inviting me to your mystery writer's poker night?"

"Come on," Castle encouraged. "You're a mystery writer now, right?"

"Yeah, but I mean those guys are legendary," Alex gushed. "Those guys..."

"Yeah, they are," Castle agreed. "Ah well, if you're unavailable..."

Castle started walking away, counting under his breath. "One, two three..."

"Whoa, wait, wait, wait," Alex called.

Castle smiled to himself. "Bingo."

"Hang on a second," Alex urged.

"Oh they're gonna love you," Castle gloated.

"So Alex stood you up for a poker game?" Johanna asked. "Not very gentlemanly. Let's see how it all worked out."

Earlier Kate and Castle were at the murder board and Alex was talking to Ryan and Esposito.

"I heard you guys were pretty hard on Conrad last night," Earlier Kate told Castle.

Castle tried unsuccessfully to laugh it off. "Hard on him? No, no, that was just a little friendly hazing."

Earlier Kate looked at Castle skeptically. "To hear him describe it, it sounds like someone was trying to teach him a lesson."

"What?" Castle asked, his voice jumping an octave. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you didn't want him to spend time with me," Earlier Kate asserted.

Castle tried to protest. "That is completely..."

"True?" Earlier Kate interrupted.

"Yes fine. It's true. I'm jealous," Castle admitted. "There I said it. I want you all to myself. And to have you spending time with another writer, it upsets me. And if that makes me petty, so be it. Guilty as charged."

Earlier Kate smiled. "Actually I kind of think it's sweet."

"You do?" Castle questioned.

"I do," Earlier Kate repeated. "And that's why you don't have to worry about me hanging around with Conrad anymore. From now on, I'm a one writer girl."

"So what did that mean?" Johanna asked. "Did you want to be exclusive to Castle as a writer, or as a man?"

"I told myself I meant as a writer," Kate responded.

"But?" Johanna prompted.

"I wanted Castle, just Castle. I couldn't have cared less about Alex Conrad."

"And what about Josh?" Johanna prodded further.

"Castle knocked him right out of my mind," Kate realized.

"You know," Johanna suggested, "you might tell Castle that, about Alex and Josh."

Kate considered and nodded slowly. "Yeah, when we get back, I will."


	7. Chapter 7

Visitations

Chapter 7

Scars

Kate was examining herself in the bathroom mirror when Johanna popped in. "Mom, a little privacy would be nice!" Kate protested.

"You're looking at your scar," Johanna noticed. "Does it still hurt?"

"Not physically," Kate answered with unusual candor. "But it makes me feel, I don't know, imperfect."

"Kate," Johanna reassured, "no one is perfect. Does the scar bother Castle?"

"I don't know," Kate answered, "he certainly accepts it, but the shooting, and what led up to it, complicated our relationship even more than it already was. For a while it seemed like Castle lost faith in me."

"Sounds like there are some things you still need to know," Johanna advised.

* * *

><p>They were still in the loft and Earlier Castle was answering the door. "Can I help you?"<p>

"That's Dad!" Kate exclaimed. "I never knew he came to see Castle."

"Let's listen," Johanna suggested as Jim Beckett and Earlier Castle sat down together.

"I feel like I already know you, Rick," Jim said. "I've heard a lot of great things about you from Katie."

"Really?" Earlier Castle asked in surprise.

"So how's she holding up?" Jim asked.

"You know it's kind of tough to tell with her," Earlier Castle replied. "She doesn't flinch."

"I know, "Jim agreed. "She wouldn't accept a nightlight when she was a little girl. Not that she wasn't afraid of the dark, but I think she felt it was a point of pride to, you know, stare it down."

Earlier Castle laughed.

"This man she's chasing." Jim asked. "How dangerous is he?"

"He's a trained killer," Earlier Castle answered soberly.

"What happens when she finds him?" Jim asked. "I've already lost my wife over this. I've already lost – No, look. It took me years but I've made my peace with that. But Katie? She won't listen to me. And she won't back down. Not unless someone can convince her that her life is worth more than her mother's death." Earlier Castle wasn't sure what Jim was telling him when Jim moved to leave. "Look, she cares about you, Rick. And unless you're a lot dumber than you look, I know you care about her. Don't let her throw her life away."

"I never knew that happened!" Kate exclaimed. "I never even knew that Dad and Castle had met. That explains so much about Castle's behavior."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"Castle said some things to me. I don't know..." Kate replied.

"Let's go," Johanna decided.

* * *

><p>Earlier Kate found Earlier Castle at her door. "Can I come in?"<p>

"Yeah," Earlier Kate responded hesitantly.

"So we went over all of Raglan and McCallister's old arrest records and you were right," Earlier Castle explained. "There was a third cop that was with them on a lot of those arrests. But then someone went back into those reports and removed their name. So Ryan and Esposito are right now looking into who was running the records room back then."

"Castle, you couldn't have just called me and told me this over the phone?" Earlier Kate asked, exasperated.

"Well, yeah … I thought that…." Earlier Castle stammered.

"Castle," Earlier Kate requested, "if you've got something to say just please say it."

Earlier Castle paused, knowing that she wasn't going to like what she would hear. "Beckett, everyone associated with this case is dead. Everyone. First your mom and her colleagues, then Raglan, now McCallister. You know they're coming for you next."

"Captain Montgomery's got a protective detail on me. It wasn't that hard to spot," Earlier Kate argued.

"That's not going to be enough to stop Lockwood, you know that," Earlier Castle protested. "Think of what they're up against. Professional killers? Look, I … I've been working with you for three years You know me. I'm the guy who says we can move that rubber tree plant but you know what Beckett? I don't think we're going to win this."

Tears were beginning to form in Earlier Kate's eyes. "Castle, they killed my mother! What do you want me to do here?"

Earlier Castle swallowed against the lump in his throat. "Walk away."

Earlier Kate looked at him stunned.

"They're going to kill you, Kate," Earlier Castle pleaded. "And if you don't care about that, at least think about how that's going to affect the people that love you. You really want to put your dad through that? And what about Josh?"

"And what about you, Rick?" Earlier Kate demanded angrily.

"Well of course I don't want anything to happen to you!" Earlier Castle exclaimed. "I'm your partner. I'm your friend!"

"Is that what we are?" Earlier Kate questioned.

Earlier Castle's frustration exploded."Do, you know what? I don't know what we are. We kiss, and then we never talk about it. We nearly die, frozen in each others' arms, but we never talk about it. So no, I've got no clue what we are. I know I don't want to see you throw your life away!"

"Yeah well last time I checked," Earlier Kate insisted, "it was my life, not your personal jungle gym. And for the past three years I've been running around with the school's funniest kid." She stormed past him. "And it's not enough."

Earlier Castle couldn't hold back."You know what? This isn't about your mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. Because you've been chasing this thing so long you're afraid to find out who you are without it".

Earlier Kate turned to face him. "You don't know me, Castle. You think you do, but you don't."

"Sounds like he knew you better than you thought," Johanna commented.

"He did," Kate agreed, "I couldn't deal with how well. There was more."

Earlier Castle continued his tirade."I know you crawled inside your mother's murder and didn't come out. I know you hide there, same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men you don't love. You could be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy. But you're afraid."

Earlier Kate was riveted to the floor. "You know what we are, Castle? We are over. Now get out!"

Shaking his head in anger and sadness, Earlier Castle left.

"Was he right?" Johanna asked.

"He was," Kate realized. "He was just trying to keep me from getting killed, but I was so obsessed I couldn't see it."

"Did he walk away?" Johanna inquired.

"No," Kate admitted. "Later, Montgomery called him and asked him to keep me out of the line of fire when Montgomery faced down Lockwood and his men. Montgomery knew he was going to die, he was trying to keep me from dying with him. He had Castle pick me up and carry me out of danger. I fought Castle all the way, but he kept me safe. I blamed him for keeping me from saving Montgomery."

"Did he?" Johanna asked.

Kate shook her head. "Roy Montgomery signed his own death warrant nineteen years before. He just picked the best place and time he could to try to make things right. If it hadn't been for Castle, I would just have died with Roy."

"You almost died anyway, didn't you?" Johanna questioned.

"Castle tried to prevent that too," Kate admitted. "He tackled me to the ground as I was shot at Roy's funeral. Then he told me he loved me. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept it for another year and even then I had a lot of doubts."

"The question," Johanna declared, "is do you have doubts now?"

"Of Castles love," Kate acknowledged, "none."


	8. Chapter 8

Visitations

Chapter 8

Waiting

"Watching police work on your day off?" Johanna inquired as Kate stared intensely at the flat screen in Castle's office.

"It's a hostage situation at a bank," Kate explained. "I know this guy Peterson. He's a jerk."

"How do you know him?" Johanna asked. "Hostage negotiation is a little out of your ball park isn't it?"

"It is," Kate agreed, "and I never want to be involved in it again. But when Castle and Martha were taken hostage in a bank hold up, I got pulled into it."

Johanna studied the expression in her daughter's eyes. "We need to look at that."

* * *

><p>The New Amsterdam Bank and Trust was surrounded by police cars and a trailer housed the hostage negotiation team. Earlier Kate determinedly made her way through the crowd to the command center.<p>

"I need SWAT analysis, sit rep, building blueprints. Five minutes," Peterson ordered as Earlier Kate came through the door.

"Who are you?" Peterson asked brusquely.

Earlier Kate answered matter-of-factually, "Detective Kate Beckett, homicide."

"I'll be sure to call if someone dies." Peterson returned. "Meanwhile, I need you step outside."

"No," Earlier Kate protested. "Sir, my partner is in that bank."

Peterson looked hopeful. "Wait, we got a cop in there?"

"He's a civilian investigator,'" Earlier Kate replied, polishing the truth a little. "He and I were on the phone when they took over the bank. He said there are four suspects in there, they're dressed up in doctor's scrubs."

Peterson lost some of his edge of nastiness. "Anything else you can tell me?"

"Yeah," Earlier Kate responded. "I spoke with one of the suspects."

Peterson probed further. "And what was the demeanor?"

"Calm, actually. Very calm," Earlier Kate reported.

"Thanks for the intel," Peterson told Earlier Kate dismissively. "We'll do everything we can to get your partner out safe."

"Okay, so what's our next move?" Earlier Kate asked urgently.

"Well," Peterson replied snarkily, "your next move is to leave my command post."

Earlier Kate stubbornly remained where she was.

An annoyed Peterson continued. "You want to help your partner? Let me do my job."

Earlier Kate turned away but didn't leave.

"I need a line on that bank." Peterson ordered Officer Monfriez, who sat at a terminal. "I want to talk to his guy."

"Yes, sir," Monfriez responded.

Peterson turned back to Earlier Kate. "You missed your cue, Detective," he said, giving her a pointed look.

Earlier Kate left reluctantly.

"I see what you mean about Peterson being a jerk," Johanna commented. "What was going through your head?"

"I wanted to do something and that idiot wouldn't let me. I hated that!" Kate exclaimed. "Unfortunately for Peterson, though, one of the robbers intervened."

"That I want to see," Johanna crowed.

Officer Monfriez approached Earlier Kate as she spoke with Ryan and Esposito. "Detective Beckett! Captain Peterson would like a word."

"Tell me. What were you thinking?" Peterson asked her as she entered the trailer.

"I was just trying to help out, sir," Earlier Kate answered, trying to understand what he was getting at.

"What, by charming the bank robber?" Peterson asked sarcastically.

"What!" Earlier Kate exclaimed confused.

"We get him on the horn, but before I can get two words out he says, and I quote, "'I will only talk to the lady cop,'" Peterson replied nastily. "'The one with the bedroom voice.' Yeah. You wanted in? Well, you're in."

"No sir," Earlier Kate protested. "I don't have any training in hostage negotiations."

"Well I don't have time to give you a seminar," Peterson returned, "so think of it like this: you do the opposite of whatever your homicide training tells you, okay? So don't yell, don't bully, don't – don't threaten him in any way. It's all about keeping him calm."

Earlier Kate fidgeted nervously.

"Detective, you up for this?" Peterson demanded.

Earlier Kate squared her shoulders. "Yeah. Yeah, absolutely." Sweating, Earlier Kate removed her jacket, put on a headset and took seat at a station.

"Now it's important to keep him talking," Peterson instructed. "You've gotta build rapport. As long as he's busy talking, he's not busy hurting hostages."

That sounded reasonable to Earlier Kate. "Okay."

The head robber, Trapper John, picked up the phone inside the bank. "Who's this?"

"This is Detective Kate Beckett," Earlier Kate told him as calmly as she could. "I understand you wanted to speak with me."

"Yeah, I don't like that other guy," Trapper confirmed.

"Yeah, me either," Earlier Kate quipped, drawing a look from Peterson.

"You said to build a rapport," Earlier Kate explained covering the headset.

Johanna smiled as Peterson shrugged.

Earlier Kate started to do as Peterson had instructed only to be interrupted by Trapper. "Oh Kate, Kate, Kate. You're running that idiot's playbook, aren't you?"

Johanna chortled.

"What did Captain Confidence tell you?" Trapper asked. "Keep me calm? Build rapport? Extract information? Here's how it's going to work," Trapper warned. "You lie to me, I kill hostages. You jerk me around, I kill hostages. You storm the bank, I kill hostages. And Kate? I'll start with your boyfriend."

The smile dropped from Johanna's face as Trapper hung up the phone. "He meant he was going to shoot Castle, didn't he?"

Kate nodded.

"You must have been terrified," Johanna observed.

"I was," Kate agreed."If I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, it all could have been over. Obviously Peterson wasn't going to be much help. Peterson wanted me to sit and wait, but doing nothing was killing me."

"It always has," Johanna agreed. "So how did you help Castle?"

Kate shook her head and smiled wryly. "Castle was trying to help me. He used Morse code to get a message out about a safety deposit box. That ended up being a clue to a murder and to the whole reason for the standoff. Then it got even more complicated. It turned out that the mastermind behind the whole thing, a munitions dealer named Ron Brandt, was pretending to be a hostage named Sal Martino. He told Castle there was C-4 in the bank and then faked a seizure. Trapper told me he wanted an EMT sent in to get Brandt in exchange for a bus. That was a ploy to get Brandt out with some information that the robbers took from the safety deposit box Castle saw. Of course I had no way of knowing that. I convinced Peterson to let me go in as the EMT to scope the place out. I managed to see Castle, even hold his hand for a second, and he slipped me the note about the C-4."

"That must have been a nightmare," Johanna empathized.

"Even more so," Kate agreed, "because Alexis showed up looking for Castle and Martha. I had to tell her they were in the bank yet try to reassure her somehow,"

"When you were scared to death yourself." Johanna added."So did Trapper get his bus? Did you use it to get the robbers out of the bank?"

"No," Kate answered. "That was the diciest thing of all. It couldn't get there in time. I had to handle it with Trapper John, or at least I thought I did."

"Let's see," Johanna suggested.

Earlier Kate was talking to Trapper John on the phone from the trailer. "Where's my bus?" Trapper demanded.

The bus is on" its way," Earlier Kate soothed. "It'll be there in 20 minutes."

"A hostage will be dead in two," Trapper warned.

Earlier Kate tried to quell her panic. "No, nobody needs to die, okay? It's coming, it's just – it's stuck in traffic."

"We have rules, Kate," Trapper rejoined. "I said I wouldn't kill anyone, you said you'd get me a bus. I lived up to my end of the deal."

Earlier Kate could barely get the words through her throat. "And I'm going to live up to mine, it just –"

"I warned you not to jerk me around. Now I was clear about the consequences. Do I have to prove how serious I am?" Trapper threatened. "Is that it?"

Earlier Kate struggled to draw air into her lungs. "Okay, I – I think we both just need to take a deep breath and we can talk about this…."

"I'm done talking!" Trapper declared as Earlier Kate heard a gunshot.

"What was that?" Earlier Kate asked in terror.

"A warning shot, Kate." Trapper replied smugly. "The next one's for the kill! I'm going to make pretty red stains out of your boyfriend, Kate. I got my gun to his throat and I'm going to paint a Jackson Pollock with his insides."

"You need to calm him down," Peterson instructed, but Earlier Kate was not about to take his advice.

She turned the threat on Trapper. "Listen to me, jackass. I do not control traffic, so you're going to have to give me 20 minutes."

"Now you got one minute, Kate!" Trapper insisted.

"No! I've got twenty," Earlier Kate returned. "Do you hear me, twenty? Because if you pull that trigger, I will walk through those doors and personally put a bullet through your skull."

To Earlier Kate's massive relief, Trapper John capitulated. "Okay, Kate. You've got 20 more minutes."

"Well, that's one way to negotiate," Peterson noted in surprise.

"I think you really would have done it," Johanna told Kate.

"My face would have been the last thing that bastard saw." Kate confirmed, but it turned out that Trapper was just playing for time. He never wanted the bus. He and his gang had other plans, but they blew up on him."

What do you mean?" Johanna asked.

Trapper and his compatriots were going to use the C-4 to escape. They were going to blow through the roof of an abandoned subway station. But Brandt double crossed them and rigged the C-4 to blow early, killed them all."

"What happened to Castle and the other hostages in the explosion?" Johanna queried worriedly.

"You should see that," Kate told her. "It was actually pretty amazing."

The sound rocked the trailer. Earlier Kate exited to see the dust rising around the bank. She and the SWAT team made their way through the haze searching for the hostages as she urgently called out to Castle.

"It must have seemed like an eternity until you heard him call back," Johanna speculated.

"You have no idea," Kate told her, "but it was worth it when I found him."

"You must have wanted to kiss the daylights out of him," Johanna offered. "I would have."

Kate shook her head. "I wanted to, but I wasn't there yet. We weren't there yet. But to see his eyes looking up at me, even just to touch his collar, I think that may have been one of the happiest moments of my life."

"I saw that on your face." Johanna told her.

"Seeing him and Martha with Alexis afterward was pretty great too," Kate added.

"So what was the grand plot? Why did Brandt engineer all of that?" Johanna wondered.

"Well, that all comes from the clue Castle gave us about the safety deposit box," Kate explained. "Ron Brandt was an abuser, the kind you used to help women get away from. Well his ex-wife, Tanya, wasn't lucky enough to have someone like you, so she ended up staging hers and her son Connor's death. She was using the box as a drop to communicate with her mother Agnes. But somehow Brandt found out, had Agnes murdered to get the key. Then he used the robbery as a cover to get the bank manager's key so he could get into the box and locate Tanya."

"Oh no!" Johanna exclaimed."Did he find them?"

"Yeah, but Castle, Ryan, Esposito, and I figured it out in time to notify the local police about what was going down. We were actually on hold with them when Connor and Tanya were rescued. That was another few minutes that seemed like forever, but it worked out okay. Tanya needed a few stitches, but she and Connor are both fine and Brandt will never see the light of day. With the death of those robbers, he had to worry about more than abuse charges, he was found guilty of four felony homicides."

"That must have seemed like the longest day of your life," Johanna opined.

"It did, at least until the two months Castle was gone," Kate agreed. "But it also taught me that waiting can be worth it, and that helped me get through Castle's disappearance. I was able to convince myself, at least a lot of the time, that I'd find him and he'd be all right, like at the bank. Except now, I _can_ kiss the daylights out of him."

Johanna laughed. "Somehow, I doubt that he minds."

A/N Johanna helping abused women is not canon, but somehow it seems like something she would have done.


	9. Chapter 9

Visitations

Chapter 9

Bombshell

Getting ready for a day on job, Kate was just buttoning her blouse when Johanna popped in. Johanna gazed at the puckered skin covered by the last button thoughtfully. "Kate, what did you tell Castle about hearing him say 'I love you,' when you were shot?"

Kate looked up guiltily. "I lied. I told him I didn't remember what happened. Somehow it seemed easier than telling him I heard him and couldn't handle it."

"Kate, I thought I taught you better than that." Johanna declared, disappointed "Vincent omnia veritas. So when did you finally tell him?"

"I never did," Kate confessed. "But somehow, he seemed to know that I lied. For a while he said things that made no sense otherwise and turned away from me. I never understood what was going on."

"That sounds like another unresolved issue," Johanna observed. "We need to unravel it."

"I remember this case," Kate told Johanna, looking around the precinct. "A bomb went off in Boylan Plaza. Everyone was pretty shaken up, especially Castle."

* * *

><p>"You good?" Earlier Kate asked.<p>

"Yeah. Yeah," Earlier Castle replied. "Just - this case, you know? Kind of gets to you. How'd it go with the rest of the families?"

"Um …," Earlier Kate reported sadly, "One victim was the first kid in his family to go to college, and the other was the mother of two, so - about like you'd expect. No one seems to have been targeted, though."

"So their deaths were at random." Earlier Castle shook his head in bewilderment. "You know, most of our victims, they - they die for a reason, you know? There's a logic behind it. It's a twisted logic at times, but at least it makes some kind of sense."

"Yeah," Earlier Kate agreed soberly, "but in this case these people were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"And their future and all their plans, everything is just gone in a flash," Earlier Castle continued as he met her eyes.

Earlier Kate held his gaze. "It makes you think about all those things in your own life that you don't want to put off anymore." Earlier Castle couldn't pull his eyes away from hers as she opened her mouth, but there was no sound.

"What were you about to say?" Johanna asked.

"I think I was about to tell him about my feelings for him," Kate recalled. "I just couldn't get the words out and then, you can see, Esposito interrupted us. After that we pushed through with the case until Castle saw Alexis in the morgue."

"What happened down there? Johanna questioned.

"I'm not sure," Kate told her. "I didn't hear the conversation."

"You should hear it now," Johanna advised.

As Kate nodded, the scene shifted.

"Hey, honey, Earlier Castle greeted his daughter. "How're you doing?"

Alexis pushed off the wall she had been leaning against. "Yeah, I just needed a minute."

"You look exhausted." Earlier Castle observed. "How long've you been here?"

"I'm not sure," Alexis confided. "It's been so crazy. I've been cataloging the victim's personal effects."

"Well that can't be easy," Earlier Castle murmured sympathetically.

"It was fine," Alexis maintained. "Then I saw how one of them had on this bracelet strung with beads, made by a little kid and it was like that bracelet that I made you for Father's Day when I was six. Do you remember?"

"Remember!" Earlier Castle exclaimed with a weak smile "I still have it."

Despite the warmth of her father's presence, Alexis appeared on the verge of tears.

"C'mon, Earlier Castle urged. "Let's get you home."

"No, I should stay," Alexis protested. "There's still work to do."

"And it'll be here tomorrow," Earlier Castle countered.

"Dr. Parish said I had to get all this finished before she...," Alexis argued.

"Lanie will tell you the same thing," Earlier Castle insisted, holding out his arm. Alexis walked into the comfort of his embrace. "Let's get you out of here." Alexis leaned on her father as he led her out of a hallway.

On her cell at the end of the hallway, Earlier Kate watched them go. Even under the almost crushing pressure of the case, watching father and daughter momentarily lightened her mood.

"You love watching Castle as a father, don't you?" Johanna observed.

Kate nodded. "Seeing the obvious love he has for Alexis, it's one of the most attractive things about him."

"So what happened after he left?" Johanna asked.

"I'm not sure," Kate replied.

"Let's look," Johanna proposed.

Kate and Johanna materialized in the loft to a conversation between Earlier Castle and Earlier Martha.

"Well if the bombing proves anything, it's that bad things can happen no matter what you do," Earlier Castle mused. "No one's tomorrow is guaranteed."

"So - how do you plan to act on this realization?" Earlier Martha asked.

"What do you mean?" Earlier Castle responded.

Earlier Martha answered exasperatedly. "Oh, you know what I mean. Richard, how much longer are you going to drag your heels before you tell Beckett how you feel – and I mean while she is awake, not lying on the ground with a bullet in her chest."

"You don't understand." Earlier Castle protested. "It's..."

"It's complicated," Earlier Martha interrupted. "So you say. Only, it's not. It's not," she reiterated to his pained look. "Nobody's tomorrows are guaranteed, right? Wouldn't it be better to tell her, even if the timing is wrong, than never to tell her at all?"

Earlier Castle considered his mother's words. "And what if she isn't ready?"

"Then she never will be." Earlier Martha contended. "Then you move on."

"Wow," Kate marveled. "I had no idea, but that explains what he was trying to say when he came back to the precinct?"

"Here?" Johanna asked, bringing them back.

"Mmm," Kate confirmed.

"Hey, Earlier Castle greeted Earlier Kate as he handed her a coffee.

"Hey," Earlier Kate returned, thanking him as he took his accustomed seat by her desk.

"You got a second?" Earlier Castle inquired hesitantly.

"Yeah," Earlier Kate replied. "What's up?"

Earlier Castle appeared unsure how to begin. "Um, I've been thinking. About the victims and all the opportunities they'll never have. And I don't want that to happen. I've been..."

Ryan arrived, interrupting the conversation. "Beckett? We've got something."

Upset by Ryan's interruption, Earlier Kate looked at Earlier Castle, "Um."

"It's okay," Earlier Castle reassured her with a forced smile. "It can wait until after the case."

"But you didn't talk after the case?" Johanna guessed.

"No," Kate confirmed. "I thought that we would finally come together but that was when he pushed away from me. I don't know what happened."

"I think," Johanna announced, "that's it's time you found out."

Kate and Johanna could see earlier Kate conducting an interrogation as Earlier Castle watched through the glass.

"Would you like me to refresh your memory?" Earlier Kate asked the suspect as she put a map in front of him. "You were standing here, by the lamppost. You dropped the backpack and started running as it exploded, killing five people."

"I didn't do what you're saying," the suspect lied.

"Witnesses saw you drop your backpack, Bobby," Earlier Kate contradicted him.

"It wasn't mine," Bobby asserted.

"Oh, so you admit to having it?" Earlier Kate continued.

"No, that's – that's not what I meant," Bobby protested.

"You just said that it wasn't yours," Earlier Kate countered.

"Yeah," Bobby retorted "because you got me all confused with..."

"Did you or didn't you have it?" Earlier Kate interjected. "It's a simple question."

"I don't know," Bobby claimed.

"Who put you up to this, Bobby? Who gave you that backpack?" Earlier Kate pushed.

"I don't – I don't know. I don't remember," Bobby insisted.

"You don't remember." Earlier Kate repeated. "How do you not remember?

"I was in shock," Bobby maintained. "The bomb went off. Everyone was running and screaming and..."

"Okay, okay, so you remember what happened after the bomb went off but not before?" Earlier Kate prodded.

"It must have been one of those traumatic amnesia things," Bobby suggested.

Earlier Kate's anger colored her face. "Bobby, don't lie to me."

"I'm telling you," Bobby persisted desperately, "it was all a big blank. It was the trauma."

Earlier Kate's voice rose. "It was not the trauma. You do not get to use that excuse."

"I swear I don't remember!" Bobby continued to insist.

"The hell you don't remember!" Earlier Kate shouted. "Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it."

Earlier Castle looked on in shocked silence.

"And so do you." Earlier Kate continued, oblivious.

"All this time, you remembered?" Earlier Castle murmured to himself. Shoulders hunched against the shattering realization, he left the room.

Kate scrubbed her hands over her face. "Oh my God! He heard! He did know I lied to him and I never had a chance to explain."

"Well you do now," Johanna counseled. "He should know."

Kate closed her eyes and bit her lip, before finally nodding her assent. "He will."

"What?" Castle asked, seeing the nervous but determined look in Kate's eyes as she appeared back in the loft.

"Castle," Kate forced out, almost inaudibly. "There's something I should have told you a long time ago."

Castle caressed her face and took both her hands, pulling her down facing him on the couch. Their eyes met and held. "Whatever it is, I'm listening."


	10. Chapter 10

Visitations

Chapter 10

Out of the Rain

Though enticingly if scantily dressed, Kate's hair hung in damp strings. "Going to bed with wet hair?" Johanna asked, appearing from nowhere.

"Mom, you better not pop in like that while we're - you know. It's creepy," Kate complained.

"Relax, I'm not here to sabotage your sex life," Johanna promised. "If anything, just the opposite. So why didn't you dry your hair?"

"Castle likes it this way," Kate related saucily.

Johanna looked skeptical. "He's got a wet hair fetish?"

"No," explained, Kate smiling in remembrance. "It has to do with the first time we..."

"You did it looking like a drowned rat?" Johanna inquired.

Kate laughed. "Probably."

"I need to see how that happened," Johanna decided.

The joy immediately vanished from Kate's face. "Mom, that's not a story I want to revisit," she protested.

Johanna gazed soberly at her daughter. "That's exactly why you need to." Johanna and Kate materialized at the 12th Precinct.

"What do you mean it wasn't him?" Earlier Kate asked, desperation edging her voice.

"The skin tissue that Lanie was able to scrape from underneath our victim's fingernails, the lab was able to pull DNA," Esposito reported. "We ran it against Vincente. It's not a match. In fact, it wasn't a match to anyone in the system."

"But it did match DNA trace evidence found at another crime scene," Ryan added, handing Earlier Kate the file.

"Well at least that's something, Earlier Castle suggested, drawing a cautious breath. "What was the crime scene?"

"It was a shooting," Esposito stated flatly.

"Beckett," Ryan said as gently as he could, "it was your shooting."

Earlier Kate raised her eyes from the file in shock.

"DNA confirms that the man who killed Orlando Costas in that alley is the same man who put a bullet in your heart," Esposito continued.

Dismay contorted Earlier Kate's face as she looked to Castle for a lifeline, before drifting to her desk with the file.

Earlier Castle followed, taking his place next to her in silent support, while Ryan and Esposito hovered.

"No leads for 11 months and now this," Earlier Kate exclaimed, looking first at Earlier Castle and then at Esposito."Does Gates know?"

"No," Esposito replied, without embellishment.

"Then we don't tell her," Earlier Kate announced decisively. "If she finds out this is a match to my shooting she'll take me off the case."

"Maybe you should be off this case," Castle advised," as Earlier Kate looked at him in confusion. "They tried to kill you once, Kate. You keep going on this they … what's to keep them from trying again?"

"What's to stop them now?" Earlier Kate countered. "No. I've been waiting a year for this and I'll be damned if I let someone else screw it up." She stalked away, leaving an obviously frightened Earlier Castle."

"I don't understand," Johanna puzzled. "What had Castle so terrified?"

"I didn't understand it then either," Kate explained, "but I wasn't the only one keeping a secret. He had a critical one and because of it, he tried to keep me away from the investigation of anything having to do with your murder, including my shooting."

"Let's see," Johanna proposed thoughtfully.

* * *

><p>Earlier Castle grabbed for the ringing phone as he sat worriedly at his desk. "Hello."<p>

"I think you know why I'm calling, Mr. Castle, came the mysterious but familiar voice on the other end. Earlier Castle listened with urgent intensity.

"It's you!" Earlier Castle exclaimed, standing and checking to see if he was overheard. "Thank God! What the hell is going on? Why did they break into Montgomery's place?"

"Well most likely it's a cleanup job," the voice replied calmly, "making sure that Montgomery had nothing else incriminating in his files. As long as Beckett drops her investigation we still hold all the cards."

"No," Earlier Castle returned worriedly. "She's already onto her shooter. She's not going to let go."

"Then we have a problem. If she doesn't stop, they will retaliate," the voice warned. "I can't control the situation if you can't control her." The voice discontinued abruptly, leaving Earlier Castle staring frantically at the phone."

"Wow!" Johanna exclaimed. "Why didn't Castle just tell you?"

Kate shook her head regretfully. "Because he thought... well maybe you want to see what happened when he finally did."

They appeared in Earlier Kate's apartment as Earlier Castle stood in front of her makeshift murder board and cleared his throat. "You, um ….You have to stop. This investigation. You - you have to stop."

"Castle," Earlier Kate said with a reassuring smile, "we already talked about this. I'm fine. I'm in control."

Earlier Castle shook his head. No, you're not. They are. And if you don't stop, they will kill you, Kate."

Earlier Kate looked at him, puzzled at his sudden pronouncement. "What are you talking about?"

Earlier Castle struggled to draw a deep breath."Before Montgomery went into that hanger, he sent a package to someone. Someone he trusted. It contained information damaging to the person behind all this. Montgomery was trying to protect you. But the package didn't arrive until after you had been shot. Montgomery's friend struck a deal with them. If they left you alone, that package and the information inside would never see the light of day. But they made one condition. You had to back off. And that's the reason you're alive, Kate. Because you stopped."

Earlier Kate stared at him in disbelief. "How do you know this?"

Earlier Castle swallowed hard. "In order for the deal to work, someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it."

Earlier Kate pulled back, stunned. "Are you part of this?" she asked in a whisper.

"I was just trying to keep you safe," Earlier Castle insisted.

Earlier Kate moved away before turning to face him, her hurt and anger battering him like a wave. "By lying to me about the most important thing in my life?"

"That lie was the only thing protecting you," Earlier Castle protested, knowing his words fell on deaf ears.

"Castle, I didn't need protection. I needed a lead. And you sat on it for a year." Earlier Kate paused to compose herself. "Now, who is this person? How do I find him?"

"He's … a voice on the phone." Earlier Castle replied softly. "He's a shadow in a parking garage."

Earlier Kate froze."You met with him?" she shouted. "How do you know he's not behind my mom's murder? How do you know that he's not involved and how the hell could you do this?"

Kate and Johanna could see Earlier Castle's last restraint crumble. "Because I love you! But you already know that, don't you? You've known for about a year."

"Are you kidding me?" Earlier Kate spat back. "You're actually bringing this up right now? After you just told me that you betrayed me."

Earlier Castle struggled unsuccessfully for calm."Kate, listen to me," he implored.

"Listen to you? Why should I listen to you?" Earlier Kate rejoined. "How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?"

Earlier Castle's voice rose in incredulous anger."How are you...? Because of everything we've been through together! Four years I've been right here! Four years, just waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I'm right here. And that I'm more than a partner. Every morning I- I bring you a cup of coffee just so that I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met. And I love you Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this."

Earlier Castle could see his remaining hope dashed in her eyes. "If I care about you, Castle! You cut a deal for my life like I'm some kind of a child. My life! Mine! You don't get to decide."

Earlier Castle tried one last desperate argument."You keep going with this? They're going to decide. They're going to come for you, Kate."

"Let them come! They sent Coonan and he is dead. They sent Lockwood and he is dead and I am still here, Castle! And I am ready," Earlier Kate contended, walking past him.

"Ready for what?" Earlier Castle retorted. "To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate. They've turned it into a war."

"If they want a war then I will bring them a war," Earlier Kate declared. "Straight to their doorsteps."

Earlier Castle deflated in futility. "Well then I guess there's just nothing I can say, is there? Okay, um…. Yeah, you're right, Kate. It's your life. You can throw it away if you want but I'm not going to stick around and watch you so this is um… over. I'm done."

Earlier Kate stood unmoving as he let himself out of the apartment.

Johanna stood unspeaking, waiting for a comment from her daughter. "I can see why he didn't tell you," she prompted, when Kate remained mute. "You did exactly what he expected you to do, didn't you?"

Kate remained silent in tacit agreement. "So what happened?" Johanna prompted.

Kate drew a breath. "Esposito and Ryan tracked down my shooter. Ryan wanted to tell Captain Gates and get some proper back up, but I was afraid a dirty cop would find out and didn't let him. Esposito and I went after the shooter alone and got our asses kicked. The shooter left Esposito unconscious and me hanging off the side of a building. But all I could think of while I was hanging there was Castle. He was all I wanted, all I'd wanted for a long time. Thank God Ryan finally ignored what I ordered and showed up with Gates and a squad. I lost my grip but he caught me. A fraction of a second later and I would have been dead."

"What did Gates do?" Johanna asked.

She wanted to suspend both Esposito and me, but I couldn't accept that. I told her I resigned.

"What were you planning to do?" Johanna probed.

Kate shook her head. "I don't know. I hadn't thought that far. I don't think I thought at all - except about Castle. I took a few things, like your elephants, and left. Then it got dark and there was a storm. I was drawn to some swings I sat on with Castle when I made up with him after my shooting. I sat there in the rain trying to think, until I finally realized what I needed to do."

"Go to Castle?" Johanna prompted.

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer. So I knocked on his door, soaking wet, and told him I wanted him and I was sorry. He looked so hurt and angry, I wasn't sure he'd even talk to me, let alone let me in. I don't think he was sure either."

"Obviously he did," Johanna noted.

Kate laughed. "Actually there wasn't that much talking, at least until later."

"Your mouths were otherwise engaged?" Johanna quipped.

Kate reddened. "Yeah."

"So when he sees you with wet hair, that's what he remembers," Johanna surmised.

"Yes," Kate agreed, "when I came out of the rain."


	11. Chapter 11

Visitations

Chapter 11

What Are You Really Afraid Of?

Johanna appeared as Kate was trying to decide what to put into her overnight bag. "Where are you going?" she inquired.

Kate sighed. "The loft has gotten a bit too crowded."

Johanna stared, taken aback.

"Not you Mom," Kate rushed to clarify, "Martha and Alexis, especially Alexis. The way she's been hovering over Castle we can hardly breathe. We thought a weekend away would be a relief."

"The house in the Hamptons?" Johanna asked.

Kate shook her head vigorously. "No, it's too soon. Too many frightening memories there. Actually we did our first getaway there and it was problematical at best."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"Aside from the fact there was a murder?" Kate responded. "I needed to keep our relationship secret and even though we were using Ryan and Esposito to help us solve the case, Castle couldn't tell them I was with him."

"How come you needed to keep it a secret?" Johanna pressed.

"There are department rules against co-workers dating," Kate explained.

"But Castle doesn't actually work for the NYPD, does he?" Johanna questioned further. "They don't pay him."

"No they don't," Kate agreed.

"And you dated Demming while working on cases together and that wasn't a problem?" Johanna continued.

"Mm," Kate confirmed, "but Roy Montgomery was captain then and he was a lot less stiff-necked than Gates."

"Well let's see what happened when people really did find out," Johanna proposed.

* * *

><p>Aaron Lerner sat opposite Ryan in interrogation. "So I got a ride on Franklin's helicopter. So what?"<p>

"That doesn't prove my client was trafficking drugs with him," Lerner's lawyer interjected.

"True," Ryan agreed. "These do," Ryan told them sliding some papers across the table. "Signed affidavits from the meth lab workers that you picked up product every Tuesday. You went from making bank to making crank."

"I didn't kill Franklin!" Lerner protested. "And – and Chief Brady already confirmed my alibi in the Hamptons."

"Well maybe you hired someone to kill him," Ryan speculated. "See I think you never got over your grudge with Franklin. I think you partnered with him, but you always planned to knock him off and take over the business. Am I getting close?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're close," Lerner responded. "But you've just got the wrong guy."

"What do you mean?" Ryan asked.

"Just last week Franklin was complaining about a local," Lerner explained.

"A local drug dealer?" Ryan queried.

"Yes," Lerner continued "Seems he didn't appreciate us moving in on his business."

"Who? Give me a name," Ryan demanded.

"I don't know a name," Lerner protested. "But Franklin seemed really spooked."

"What else did he tell you about him?" Ryan pressed.

"That's all I know," Lerner insisted. "Everything else I told to Brady and his two consultants."

"Two consultants?" Ryan puzzled.

"Yeah, yeah," Lerner answered. "The writer, Castle, and his girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" Ryan asked in surprise. "Wha - what do you mean, girlfriend?"

"What does that matter?" Lerner replied.

Ryan became uncharacteristically loud. "Hey, hey! I'll ask the questions here, pal. Are you telling me that Richard Castle brought his girlfriend in your interrogation?"

Lerner looked at his lawyer who shrugged his assent. "Yeah."

"What was her name?" Ryan prodded.

"I – I don't remember," Lerner told him.

"Well then describe her," Ryan ordered slamming the table when Lerner hesitated. "Describe her Lerner, now!"

Lerner hurried to respond. "Okay! Tall! Medium length hair! What's this about?"

"What color?" Ryan shouted. "Give me a hair color."

"Uh … uh… brown," Lerner stammered, intimidated. "Brown eyes, too, I think. Really pretty."

"Body type?" Ryan continued.

"Awesome. I mean, awesome," Lerner described. "She was like thin, gorgeous – she was hot. Really hot." Lerner paused as a memory suddenly hit him. "Kate! Name was Kate!"

Ryan settled back in his chair in stunned realization. "Son of a -!"

Kate shook her head in surprise at the scene. "Ryan knew. He never let on. He must have told Esposito. He tells him everything."

"We'll see," Johanna told her.

* * *

><p>Ryan, Esposito, and Earlier Kate watched video of a man they assumed to be a murderer.<p>

"Here's the time code for our point of sale," Ryan noted. "That's our guy."

They observed as a man came to the counter.

"Look at his height, build, hair color," Esposito pointed out "That's not Kurtzman. That's - Castle!

Ryan paused the video as Earlier Kate froze in shock. Slowly they regathered in the interview room.

"There's another explanation," Earlier Kate insisted.

"Like what?" Esposito asked.

"I don't know," Earlier Kate replied desperately. "It's somebody else, somebody that looks like Castle."

"We found his fingerprints at the crime scene," Esposito reminded her. "We got him on video buying jewelry for our victim. It can't be a coincidence."

"Javi, what are you saying?" Earlier Kate asked, dismayed. "That Castle's a killer?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Nobody is saying that," Ryan assured her quickly. "All he's saying is that if it were anybody else we'd look into it."

"We can start by looking into his financials," Esposito suggested, "see if there's any unusual activity around the time of the purchase."

Earlier Kate fearfully considered what Esposito had said. "Fine. But we do it quietly and he never finds out about it." Kate strode past them out of the room.

Ryan shut the door before Esposito could leave. "Uh..."

"What are you doing?" Esposito asked, confused.

"Javi," Ryan began softly, "there's something you need to know."

"Why did it look like Castle was the murderer?" Johanna asked.

"He was framed by a serial killer," Kate answered. "The fingerprints were planted and the guy on the video was a double. But anyway, that explains when both the boys found out."

"And did anything terrible happen when they found out?" Johanna queried.

"No," Kate admitted, "but they didn't tell Captain Gates."

"But Captain Gates knows, doesn't she?" Johanna countered.

"She does," Kate conceded, "but I'm not sure when she found out."

"Oh, I think you know," Johanna contended.

* * *

><p>"Mr. Castle, we will do everything in our power to get your daughter back," FBI Agent Harris promised as he sat with Earlier Castle and Earlier Kate.<p>

"I don't want to be handled," Castle informed him. "Just let me know where things stand."

"Let's start with the facts as we now understand them. You daughter attended last night's event with Sara El-Masri. Apparently they met in an environmental science class and became friends. GPS on her phone shows that it was left outside the hotel shortly after the event ended. That, plus the fact that no one has seen or heard from her in the 16 hours since, leads us to conclude that she too was forced into the van," Harris explained.

Earlier Kate kept her eyes on Earlier Castle as Harris spoke. "Now why would they take Alexis if Sara was the target?" she asked.

"She was probably with Sara at the time. She was a witness. It would have been easier to take her than - not," Harris concluded.

"So you're saying she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time'" Earlier Castle reiterated, trying to hold himself together.

"It appears that way," Harris confirmed.

"Do you have any suspects?" Earlier Kate asked hopefully.

"We have a name," Harris offered as he opened a folder. "Facial recognition gave us an ID on the man in the video. Roger Henson. We know him mainly as a mid-level narcotics smuggler."

As Earlier Kate looked on trying to somehow lend him some strength, Earlier Castle studied the photo frantically searching for a revelation. "If we know he's out there we can get him. We can initiate a manhunt," she offered reassuringly.

"We're already searching for Henson," Harris added. "Along with all his known associates. But he is a career felon. Finding him won't be easy."

"What's a drug smuggler doing involved in a kidnapping?" Earlier Castle asked, confused.

"We're not sure," Harris replied. "But Roger Henson is not a shot caller. He's a middle man, a hired gun. He may have been hired to abduct the girls."

Earlier Castle leaned forward."What happens now?"

"We press ahead on multiple fronts." Harris informed him. "We focus on Henson. Locating him could crack the case. We're also creating contingency plans for when and if the kidnappers make contact."

"If?" Earlier Castle asked, panic tinging his voice as he looked at Earlier Kate. "What do you mean, if?"

"We know that the El-Masris are wealthy and you told us Sara was the target." Earlier Kate interjected.

Harris nodded. "Mr. El-Masri admitted he had close ties to the previous regime in Egypt. As a result, he made some very powerful enemies. It's possible his daughter's abduction was motivated by revenge."

Earlier Castle's voice rose with fear, "Okay, where does that leave my daughter? I mean, if – if she wasn't the one they were after then she's just in the way."

"Mr. Castle, you need to stay positive," Harris counseled. "Whatever their motives, the kidnappers will realize she has value. Now what we need to do next is go to your home and set up a trap and trace on your phone line so we're ready for their call.'

Slowly, Earlier Castle nodded his assent.

"I'll wait for you outside," Harris told him gently, leaving the room. Earlier Castle moved to follow him, but was stopped by Earlier Kate who wrapped her arms around him."Gates will see," Earlier Castle whispered, his voice cracking.

Earlier Kate continued to hold him as he buried his face in her hair. "I don't care."

"You weren't afraid anymore," Johanna pointed out.

"I was," Kate confessed, "but Castle was in so much pain. That was more important."

"Did Gates ever say anything about you and Castle?" Johanna questioned.

"Not then," Kate admitted, "although I was sure she saw what we did. It came up weeks later."

"What happened then?" Johanna asked.

"That time I was the one in trouble - more than trouble." Kate responded. "I was standing on a bomb that would have gone off if I made the slightest wrong move. I asked Castle to leave. Really, I begged him to leave, but he was sure that the two of us could figure out a solution together and he refused to go. Well actually he left for a couple of minutes when I tricked him into promising that he would, but he came back. In the end, we did figure out the disarm code together. We must have had a good second or two to spare."

"How did Captain Gates figure into it?" Johanna inquired, puzzled. "Let me see."

* * *

><p>Earlier Kate came out of the building leaning on Earlier Castle's arm, exhausted after so many hours on her feet. She pulled him to a stop. "Wait, Castle. Listen. Thank you for staying with me."<p>

"Always," Earlier Castle assured her.

Earlier Kate smiled and leaned in to kiss him, but before she could, there was the beep of a siren. Ryan and Esposito pulled up in their car and Gates was with them. Ryan ran to Earlier Castle and hugged him while Esposito hugged Earlier Kate.

"Perfect timing," Castle commented.

"You good?" Esposito asked Earlier Kate.

"Yeah," Earlier Kate responded, looking nervously at Gates. "Did she see?"

"Glad to see you, Detective," Gates announced as Esposito was trying to reassure Earlier Kate. "Even you, Mr. Castle. I have to say, I don't know too many men who would have done what you did."

"Neither do I," Earlier Kate agreed.

Earlier Castle smiled at her, but she looked away uncomfortably.

"Oh, for Heaven's sake, Detective!" Gate exclaimed, viewing the situation. "Just kiss the man!"

Surprise washed over the faces of the detectives.

"Sir, you know?" Earlier Kate blurted.

"What?" Gates asked. "Do you think I'm an idiot? I needed to maintain plausible deniability, which I can continue, as long as you two both act professionally at the precinct."

"I know I can, but Captain," Earlier Castle replied playfully, "she has a long history of coming on to me at work -."

"I don't think it will be a problem, sir," Earlier Kate interrupted, rolling her eyes.

"Good," Gates proclaimed. "Meanwhile, as long as we're on neutral ground here," she whispered conspiratorially, "I'd say uh, he deserves it. Wouldn't you?"

"Yes sir," Earlier Kate agreed smiling, "I would."

"So your fear of being found out by your colleagues was unfounded," Johanna concluded as she and Kate watched Earlier Castle receive his well deserved reward. Come on, Kate. You're the daughter of two lawyers and you're a detective. You can't tell me that deep down, you didn't know it all along."

"You may be right," Kate conceded. "I think maybe I was afraid if I admitted the relationship to them, I'd be committing myself."

"And you still weren't ready for that?" Johanna questioned.

"No," Kate admitted. "And I wasn't sure Castle was committed either.

"A man stays with you when you're standing on a bomb and you weren't sure he was committed?" Johanna asked incredulously.

"Sounds pretty stupid when you say it like that," Kate said, "but yeah."

Johanna sighed. "Sounds like we still have some work to do."


	12. Chapter 12

Visitations

Chapter 12

Commitment

Kate stared into the fire that burned cheerily in the hearth as Castle sprawled peacefully in the old fashioned four poster bed. They had driven almost six hours to get there, a small but beautiful inn near the Canadian border. Kate had turned her phone off, there would be no calls from the precinct. The bed was fantastic and the lovemaking had been even better, without the threat of interruption. Alexis and Martha were far away and Johanna had solemnly promised not to intrude on Kate's intimate time with Castle. But with all that, Kate felt unsettled. There were so many things she had pushed to the back of her mind, hidden from herself and even from Dr. Burke. Johanna's appearance had stirred the pot, leaving her to question the motives behind choices of which she had previously been so sure.

The subject of Kate's thoughts made another appearance. "Can't sleep?" Johanna asked.

"I've been thinking about the things you've shown me," Kate confided. "Even after all of that, it's hard to figure out what I've really wanted, and what I want now."

"At least you're asking the questions," Johanna encouraged. "Without doing that, you're never going to get any answers. We were talking about commitment," Johanna recalled. "Have you thought about why you have so much trouble believing someone would make one to you?" Kate nodded. "Let's go back," Johanna continued.

Kate and Johanna arrived in the kitchen of the Candelas, a couple whose daughter had been kidnapped. Earlier Kate entered, surprised to find FBI Agent Sorenson somberly pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Hey," Earlier Kate greeted him

"Hey, yourself," Sorenson responded, indicating the coffee. "Want some?"

Earlier Kate nodded. "Yeah, thanks." So, I just got word from my guys, and Ellers is a dead end," she informed him as he handed her a cup. "The owner over at Paradise Diner on East 62nd vouched that he was having his usual poached eggs this morning."

"Would have been too easy, right?" Sorenson returned. "Or over-easy".

Earlier Kate smiled at the quip."That's like something Castle would say."

"You like him?" Sorenson asked.

"No. I just, um... I don't know. I think he's interesting," Earlier Kate replied.

"Uh huh," Johanna interjected, as Kate winced.

"So you're not...?" Sorenson quizzed.

"Together? No..." Earlier Kate answered.

Sorenson gazed at her earnestly. "I meant to call. Must've picked up the phone a dozen times."

"Yeah, I know," Earlier Kate said bitterly. "You meant to do a lot of things. That's why you left, remember?"

"Boston was a great opportunity," Sorenson protested.

"I'm not saying that it wasn't," Earlier Kate stated. "I'm just saying it was a choice, that didn't include me."

"You could've come," Sorenson suggested

"And then done what?" Earlier Kate argued. "Joined the Boston PD, and then you have to move to Phoenix, and then Cleveland. And then you're back here. I mean, we both know what that life is all about."

"So he made the choice to leave you but you made the choice not to follow him," Johanna pointed out. "Was it really about Boston, Phoenix, and Cleveland?"

Kate considered her mother's question. "No, it was about the relationship. I wasn't really committed enough to want to follow him."

Johanna smiled knowingly. "Let's look at more choices, yours and Castle's"

Kate and Johanna were in Kate's apartment. Earlier Kate was on the phone as she chopped vegetables for dinner while Earlier Castle began to set the table. "No, that's great. Thank you," Earlier Kate said before hanging up. "So they found the laptop."

"I knew it." Earlier Castle declared triumphantly before hanging up. "So what was on it?" he asked, continuing to set the table.

"Well the hard drive is encrypted so techs are going through it now," she reported.

"Well," Earlier Castle speculated with relish, "somewhere on that computer is a conspiracy of lies so heinous, so deadly..." He picked up her jacket and a square of cardboard fell on the floor. He retrieved it and read it. "What's this?"

"What's what?" Earlier Kate asked, continuing her food preparation.

Earlier Castle held up his find. "Boarding pass."

Worry lines creased Earlier Kate's face. "Castle -,"

"Did you fly to DC yesterday?" Earlier Castle questioned, confused.

Earlier Kate put the knife on the counter and walked toward Earlier Castle. "Yes. I did."

"Why?" Castle asked.

Earlier Kate paused, searching desperately for the right words for an answer. "I was invited down for an interview."

"What kind of interview?" Earlier Castle pressed.

"For a position," Earlier Kate responded nervously, "with the Federal Task Force."

Dismay and anger warred on Earlier Castle's face. "I'm sorry, you interviewed for another job in another city … and you didn't tell me?"

Earlier Kate tried her best to justify her silence. "I didn't tell you about it because it was just an interview and I knew you would be upset."

"Oh … yeah. Yeah," Earlier Castle agreed. "You're damn right I'm upset."

"Castle," Earlier Kate returned, trying to smooth things over, "I just wanted to see what was out there. What's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong with it," Castle replied furiously, "is that you hid it from me. In fact, you lied about it. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Castle," Earlier Kate protested, "this isn't about you. This is about me. This is about my life."

"So you're seriously considering this?" Earlier Castle asked.

"Yes!" Earlier Kate declared defensively. "This is a wonderful opportunity. It'll be a chance to do more."

Earlier Castle starred down at her, nodding vigorously. "Without me."

Earlier Kate was stunned by the intensity of his response.. "Castle, please don't do this," she pleaded. "Don't make this about us."

Earlier Castle's pain suffused the room. "I'm sorry, tell me how this isn't about us. You get this job, you move to DC, I'll never see you. That's pretty much the end of our relationship, isn't it?"

Earlier Kate shook her head in denial. "You don't know that! And I probably won't even get the job."

"That's not the point, Earlier Castle insisted. "The point is, you knew what this could mean. And it didn't occur to you to include me. Or worse, it did occur to you. And you chose not to. Now what does that say about us?" Earlier Castle moved to grab his jacket. "Not much, you ask me."

Earlier Kate sighed helplessly. "Castle."

"I can't be here right now," Earlier Castle gritted out, walking past her to the door.

"See any parallels?" Johanna asked.

Kate nodded in slow realization. "I was doing to Castle what Will Sorenson did to me."

"What choice did Castle make?" Johanna asked.

"He - he proposed to me, before he knew whether I'd gotten the job or not, he proposed to me," Kate replied in wonder. "Then when I told him I got it, he promised me we'd work it out and D.C. would be great."

"Was it?" Johanna asked.

Kate shook her head ruefully. "No! When we were engaged, we saw each other less than we did when we were just dating. It was a hard time.

Shall we see what Castle did?" Johanna suggested.

Kate and Johanna were in the loft.

"Listen, um …," Earlier Castle said soberly, "we really have to talk about something."

"Okay," Earlier Kate agreed.

"We've been doing this long distance thing for months, and uh, honey, and we never see each other," he told her standing and walking across the room. "And when we do," he continued, it's a day here, it's a weekend there. Let's face it, it's not working."

Dread flickered across Earlier Kate's face. "I – I know, Castle. But I don't – I don't know how to fix this," she replied, going to him.

"I do," Earlier Castle announced, metal visible in his upraised hand."

"What … is that?" Earlier Kate asked looking at what he held up.

"It's a key," Earlier Castle exclaimed. "To our DC apartment. I mean, the truth is, I can – I can write anywhere, so I found a place with a little home office." Earlier Kate exhaled a breath she hadn't known she was holding, as Earlier Castle continued. "Listen, if you don't like it when you see it we can always..."

Earlier Kate grabbed the key from his hand. "No! I don't need to see it. I love this." Throwing her arms around him, their lips met.

Kate laughed as she and Johanna were returned to the Inn where Castle still slept quietly. "As it turned out, we didn't need the place. I got fired and came back to New York," she reported ruefully.

"Hardly the point, is it?" Johanna asked.

"No," Kate agreed. I wasn't committed enough to follow Will Sorenson, but Castle was - is - committed enough to follow me."

"And knowing that, how do you feel about your marriage to him?" Johanna asked.

"A lot better than I did," Kate realized. "Thanks Mom."

As Johanna shimmered from the room, Kate slipped under the covers to cuddle up to her fiancé.


	13. Chapter 13

Visitations

Chapter 13

What Do You Really Want?

Kate smiled as she watched Castle in full man-child mode playing with his new 3-D printer. His fascination upon seeing one in their last case has been so complete that he happily paid all the up charges to receive his own immediately.

"He really is joyful," Johanna commented, as she popped in to stand behind Kate.

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "I'm kind of jealous. Gadgets, games, things, they don't do that for me."

"They used to," Johanna pondered. "You used to have the biggest smile when you skated or when you got that motorcycle. Even just watching those silly reruns on TV. What happened Kate?"

"Your murder happened," Kate replied. "It consumed me. Even now, when Bracken is finally behind bars, I'm not like I was. I feel like there's something I should be doing, some difference I should be making. It's hard for me to just play the way Castle does and I have a hard time figuring out what I really want to do."

"We should look at some of that," Johanna suggested.

The suite at the Fairwick Hotel was beautiful and the man in it handsome.

"It's gonna be fine," Earlier Kate reassured her charge.

"I know it is." Eric Vaughn stated with perfect confidence. "I've worked with the best and you'd run circles around any of them before your first cup of coffee. I feel completely safe in your care."

"After knowing me for just two days?" Earlier Kate asked skeptically.

"No," Eric corrected, "after knowing you for two minutes."

Earlier Kate strode away from the flood of flattery. "So you think you've got me figured out, huh?"

"Except for one thing," Eric added. "Are you and Castle …?"

Earlier Kate turned back to face him. "Yes."

"Is it serious?" Eric asked.

Earlier Kate took a beat before answering. "Yes. Yeah, you could say it's serious."

"But the truth is you don't really know," Eric intimated as he walked closer to her. "Otherwise you wouldn't have hesitated."

"No," Earlier Kate objected, "it's just – we've never really talked about it, that's all."

"Why not?" Eric prodded.

Earlier Kate shook her head. "We just haven't."

"Then he's a fool!" Eric declared.

"No," Earlier Kate protested, looking at her feet, "it's - it's just - it's complicated.

"Kate," Eric responded, "there's nothing complicated about meeting a woman like you and knowing what to do."

When Earlier Kate didn't respond, Eric moved in for a kiss. She stood her ground, but as his lips touched hers, she finally pushed him away. "No."

A split second later a bullet pierced the window, as Earlier Kate pulled Eric to the floor shouting, "Get down!" Two more shots shattered the window but Earlier Kate kept Eric unscathed.

"What the hell was that!" Johanna exclaimed. "I see two champagne glasses. Were you actually drinking with a man you were supposed to be protecting? Then you let him get close enough to kiss you? Leaving out for a minute that he's a total jerk for even trying when you told him you were with another man, it was very unprofessional behavior on your part. What were you thinking?"

Kate was taken aback by her mother's reaction. "I - I don't know. I was upset with Castle."

"Why? Johanna asked.

"I was trying to seduce him and he wanted to finish a video game he was playing. It took him a couple of minutes to pay attention to me and I thought he was taking me for granted."

Johanna snorted. "So you let your brains get fried by a Welsh accent? Kate, what was really going on?"

"I didn't know where things were going with Castle and I felt - I wanted to feel better about myself. I guess I was using Eric Vaughn to bolster my confidence in my own attractiveness, my own competence."

"Okay," Johanna concluded, "now we're getting somewhere." How about this?"

They materialized at the 12th Precinct as Agent Jared Stack was in conversation with Earlier Kate and Earlier Castle.

"Detective Beckett and Mr. Castle," Stack announced, "both the President and the Attorney General have asked me to convey their thanks for your work on this case."

"I don't suppose the President's appreciation could come in the form of a blurb for my book?' Earlier Castle asked hopefully.

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," Stack declared. "But Detective Beckett, could I have a word?"

"Yeah," Earlier Kate agreed curiously., leading him to an empty observation room.

"Let me ask you something," Stack began. "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"

"I haven't really given it that much thought," Earlier Kate told him, shrugging.

"As Lieutenant? Captain? At 1 Police Plaza, climbing the ladder?" Stack questioned.

"That's not really where my heart is," Earlier Kate confessed.

"Where is your heart? In that room? You want to be in that room five years from now busting some killer's balls?" Jared prodded.

Earlier Kate bristled. "I don't know you. Certainly not well enough to have this conversation," she told him, turning to leave.

"I used to work homicide, too," Stack informed her.

Surprised, Earlier Kate turned back. "Really?"

"Yeah," Stack affirmed. "Chicago. 'til some guy tapped me on the shoulder. Today I'm that guy. What I'm saying is this. I think you're exceptional. You're smart. You're strong. You're an asymmetrical thinker. I see bigger things for you."

"Who says I want bigger things?" Earlier Kate asked defensively.

Stack laughed."Practically everything about you screams it. There's a job opening in DC."

"What job?" Earlier Kate asked cautiously.

"With the Attorney General. We report directly to him, we work with total autonomy on the biggest, most challenging cases. Cases like this. Where the stakes are high and the outcome can affect history. Not everybody has what it takes for the job. I think you do," Stack told her, handing her a card. "Call that number to schedule an interview. Think about it."

"I will," Earlier Kate replied thoughtfully.

"I'll be talking to you, Detective Beckett," Stack maintained.

Earlier Kate silently watched him leave.

"So again, you have some guy telling you how wonderful you are so you decide to walk away from a man who literally walked through fire for you, to chase some job in D.C.," Johanna asserted. "What did you need that you weren't getting Kate? What did you really want?"

Tears began to flow down Kate's face. "I wanted to feel like I have a right to be here!" she blurted out. "When you died, I don't know, I thought, maybe I should have too. And then when I was shot - shot in the heart - I couldn't figure out why I could survive when you couldn't. I didn't know why I was here. I had solving your murder, but I didn't have anything else. Even that, or getting justice for other people, it didn't change anything. The dead were still dead. Nothing I did could ever bring you or any of them back. I want to know that I matter."

"I know the feeling," Johanna empathized. "I wanted to feel that way too. That's why I fought so hard for justice for my clients. I wanted this world to be better when I left it than when I arrived."

"You did it mom," Kate reassured her mother, "you were just taken away before you could finish."

"Maybe I'm finishing now, Kate," Johanna told her, "at least for you. You have so much to give. Think about how you really want to use those gifts. If you're happier with yourself, you'll be happier with Castle.


	14. Chapter 14

Visitations

Chapter 14

It Takes Two

Kate was sitting quietly at the kitchen counter sipping coffee when Johanna materialized. Are you thinking about what we discussed?" Johanna asked.

Kate took a moment, putting down her mug before she replied. "Yeah, I know what I want, but I can't figure out how to make it all happen. Things clash with each other."

"How?" Johanna queried.

"Well, I've decided that if I really want to make changes, that means politics, but to do that I'll probably need law school."

"Not necessarily," Johanna reasoned, "but go on. "Then there are children. I want to have Castle's children. Maddy was right about that, but the clock is ticking and doing school with young children - I don't know."

"Have you talked to Castle about it?" Johanna questioned.

Kate shook her head.

"Well why the hell not!" Johanna exclaimed. "Look Kate, some words I've heard way too much in these little jaunts we've been taking are 'me,' 'my,' and 'mine.' I'm not saying you're selfish. I've seen you do some incredibly generous and thoughtful things, but you have been inwardly focused. You can't stay that way and have a marriage work. It has to be about both of you, and then if there are children, it has to be about them too. Any decisions you make about your future have to include Castle. Otherwise what you have isn't a marriage, it's roommates with benefits. We need to look at a couple of things that need to change."

Earlier Kate and Earlier Castle were in her apartment.

"Okay. So they're coming for me," Earlier Kate said resignedly.

"Ryan's got 2 teams stationed outside," Earlier Castle tried to comfort her.

"And what about tomorrow?" Earlier Kate asked. "And the day after that?"

"Let me take you someplace, Kate," Earlier Castle pleaded, wrapping his arms around her, "someplace you'll be safe." Earlier Kate sighed, pressing herself against him. He pulled her closer, even as she sighed again. "I'll never be safe."

The scene changed as night fell. Earlier Kate restlessly gazed at a photo of herself and Johanna. She smiled slightly, as if remembering happier times, but her face soon became taut as the reality of the present intruded. Shoulders stiffened with resolve, she grabbed her gun and loaded it into her holster. Earlier Kate looked at Earlier Castle in her bed and took a moment to watch him sleep before leaving the apartment.

The scene changed again as the sun rose and Earlier Castle bolted awake in a surreal rerun of the previous morning, when he had awakened after their first night together. Earlier Castle was scared and horrified to find Kate gone and called Ryan and Esposito.

"What do you mean she's not here?" Ryan asked, meeting Earlier Castle and Esposito at Earlier Kate's apartment.

"I mean she's not here and she's not answering her cell," Earlier Castle explained frantically.

"I thought you had a detail on her," Esposito yelled accusingly at Ryan.

"I did. I do!" Ryan returned. "If she would have left this building they would have seen her."

"Not if she didn't want them to," Earlier Castle realized as a fresh wave of fear hit him. "Where's Senator Bracken right now?"

"Oh man!" Esposito exclaimed. You don't think that she..."

Earlier Castle cautioned Esposito to silence while Ryan used his cell to get Bracken's location. "Yeah. It's Detective Kevin Ryan, badge number 42344. Can I get a twenty on Senator Bracken? He's hosting a fundraiser at the Widmark Hotel," Ryan reported to Earlier Castle and Esposito, when he got an answer.

"Ask if anyone else has called to check on him." Earlier Castle urged.

Ryan continued on the phone."Did anyone call to check on him?" His eyes widened as he received a response. "Okay, thanks. Beckett phoned them an hour ago," Ryan told Earlier Castle and Esposito."

"She's going to kill Senator Bracken," Earlier Castle concluded with dread.

"Were you?" Johanna asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Kate confessed. "At that moment I couldn't think of another way out, but it finally came to me as I talked to Bracken. I remembered the deal Castle had told me about earlier."

"But you didn't think to wake Castle, discuss your plan with him?" Johanna asked.

"No," Kate answered. "It was my problem, not his. I needed to solve it."

"I doubt that he looked at it that way," Johanna offered. "He was with you because he wanted to help. I'd say he was desperate to help. Let's look at something else."

In Castle's loft, Earlier Castle awoke to a ringing phone. "Yeah, hello?"

"Yo," came a familiar voice, "it's Espo. Is Beckett with you?"

Earlier Castle looked with surprise and foreboding at the empty space beside him. "Um … what's going on?"

"Well, Gates is putting her back on the Vulcan Simmons investigation," Esposito explained.

"She is?" Earlier Castle asked in surprise. "I thought she didn't want Beckett going toe-to-toe with him?"

"That's not going to be an issue anymore, Vulcan Simmons has been murdered," Esposito announced.

Earlier Castle swallowed as a his foreboding grew.

Earlier Castle pulled up to the crime scene in a taxi. He stumbled out and rushed to Earlier Kate in the doorway."Hey. Where were you this morning?"

Earlier Kate looked around, fearful of being overheard. "Not now."

Earlier Castle and Earlier Kate found time to talk in the break room. "Yes, I was there. But I didn't kill him. I thought about it, though."

"What the hell, Kate!" Earlier Castle exclaimed more in fear than in anger. "We had a deal. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I knew you wouldn't let me go," Earlier Kate confessed.

"You're damn right I wouldn't!" Earlier Castle agreed. "It was reckless".

"It was a calculated risk," Earlier Kate protested. "I couldn't let Vulcan slip away. Only I didn't move fast enough."

"So what happened last night?" Earlier Castle asked, calming slightly.

"He was in the shadows, he was waiting." Earlier Kate related. "It's like he knew I was coming. And we had words. That's it. He was alive when I left."

"And you didn't see anyone else?" Earlier Castle queried.

"No. Just him," Earlier Kate assured him."

Earlier Castle drew a deep breath in thought. "Kate, you absolutely cannot tell anyone you were at that garage."

"I know," Earlier Kate agreed.

"So," Johanna said, "even when you promised not to, you ran off half cocked like some avenging angel."

Kate looked away, saying nothing. "Kate, it can't work that way anymore," Johanna declared. "I understand how you felt. You know I wanted to run off and slay dragons. Your father was always the voice of reason, my anchor. We didn't always see things the same way, but we talked them out. And sometimes he helped me do things I never thought I could do. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have someone who believes in you and supports you. But when you act the way you've been acting, when you leave your partner out, it builds a wall of resentment and fear. Both of you have worked so hard at knocking down walls, yours and his, it would be a tragedy to put up new ones. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

Kate still couldn't meet her mother's eyes. "Yes."

"More to the point," Johanna continued, "Do you think you can do it, talk to Castle about where you want your career to go, and especially about children? Before the wedding?"

Kate stiffened with determination. "I can and I will."

Johanna smiled in satisfaction. "Good girl."


	15. Chapter 15

Visitations

Chapter 15

Castle Joins In

"Were you thinking about me?" Johanna asked, appearing before her daughter.

"I was," Kate confided. "I was wondering if there was any way to take Castle with us when we go to the past."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"Well, the things I wanna discuss with him, my career, kids, those things have actually come up before - and not just with Maddy. I thought is if he could see, it would help me talk to him. It's certainly helped me talk to you," Kate pointed out.

"That wasn't included in what I was instructed," Johanna mused, "but if you think it'll make a difference, I can ask." Johanna shimmered away.

Kate fidgeted, waiting for her mother to return. "There's a way to do it." Johanna explained, popping back after a few minutes, "but he has to want to go."

Kate found Castle at his desk staring at the screen of his laptop, trying to finish a chapter of Nikki Heat.

"Blocked?" Kate asked.

"A little," Castle confessed.

"Think a little trip with my mother would help?" Kate inquired hopefully.

"Are you kidding?" Castle exclaimed. "That would be so cool. Can I see her?"

"Let's find out," Kate replied.

Castle could not see or hear the wraith as she gave careful instructions to Kate. "You have to hold on to him as if you're one being,"

"What happens if I let go?" Kate asked.

"He springs back in time," Johanna explained "and he may not remember what he saw."

Kate shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Just what we need, more amnesia. I'll hold tight."

"What?" Castle asked, confused.

"She said I have to hold tight to you or you'll bounce back and might forget the trip," Kate relayed.

"You have to hold me? Torture!" Castle teased.

They appeared in front of the murder board at the precinct as Earlier Kate was taking down the photographs for storage in evidence. Earlier Castle took the picture of Barbra Landau and stared at it.

"What's going on?" Earlier Kate asked.

"I was just thinking about how we rely on dreams to keep us going in life and how sad it is when they become the things that tear us down," Earlier Castle explained.

"Yeah well, that might be the case for Barbra Landau, but not for everyone with dreams that didn't come true," Earlier Kate suggested. "I mean, take Lanie for instance. She wanted to be a dancer. She became a doctor. That's not so bad, is it?"

"Hum," Earlier Castle responded. "What about you? I mean, we know you became a cop because your mother was murdered, but there had to be something before that. What did little Kate Beckett want to be when she grew up?"

Earlier Kate smiled at the memory. "At Stanford I was pre-law."

"So your dream was to argue a case in front of the Supreme Court?" Earlier Castle asked.

"Mmhmm. Yep," Earlier Kate confirmed. "I was on my way to becoming the first female Chief Justice."

"Wow," Earlier Castle commented admiringly. "Not bad." He watched her for a moment as she glanced back, still smiling.

With an arm around his waist, Kate clung to Castle as the scene changed again to an earlier time, in the precinct hallway.

"It's about time you got back," Roy Montgomery complained, stepping out of his office. "We've got a very persistent citizen waiting to ask you some questions."

"Alexis, what are you doing here?" Earlier Castle asked as Alexis appeared from behind Montgomery. "How come you're not at school?"

"Oh, I have study hall first period," Alexis replied. "Dad, is it true?"

"Uh, yeah, sweetie. I'm afraid so," Earlier Castle informed her as gently as he could.

"What happened? Was it the drugs?" Alexis prodded.

"Doesn't look like it." Earlier Kate put in. "Why? Did she have a drug problem?"

"Well, she used to," Alexis explained "She went to rehab three months ago, after her friends found her choking on her own..."

"Okay!" Earlier Castle interrupted. You know... You know what, I think it's time we reset the parental controls on your computer."

"Please." Alexis protested, "I had to set the parental control on your computer, remember?"

"Speaking of which...," Earlier Castle asked hopefully.

"No!" Alexis told him firmly.

"Beckett," Esposito called.

"Yeah?" Earlier Kate answered, turning her attention from the Castles.

"Street was negative for cameras," Esposito informed her. "We got a dozen shoe prints off the alley, size five through eleven. Checked her DMV records online. She moved from the address they had listed three months ago."

"That was about the same time that Hayley went into rehab," Earlier Kate noted.

"But check this out," Ryan interjected. "I ran a search for that song on Hayley's iPod, _Here, Kitty, Kitty_. Look what popped up."

Castle, Beckett, Montgomery, Alexis, and Esposito clustered around the computer screen as a video of Hayley Blue played. _"I can see the writing 'cause I wrote it on the wall."_

"A music video?" Earlier Kate asked.

"See if this looks familiar," Ryan suggested, allowing his computer to continue to show the feed.

An upside down Haley sang: _"You can't conquer every vibe just because I'm open wide. You can't catch me, though you try. You can kiss this goodbye_._"_

"Is that how you found her?" Alexis asked.

"Does that mean anything to you?" Earlier Kate questioned.

"Yeah," Alexis confirmed. "Hayley wrote this song about some obsessed fan who was stalking her."

"Do you know who he was?" Earlier Kate inquired further.

"Wait," Alexis offered. "There might be something in the song. Play it again."

Ryan replayed the video _"It's okay to want me, but you want nothing else. Sitting back and plotting is a crime in itself."_

"Sitting back and plotting," Montgomery commented. "Sounds like she thought he was dangerous."

"Yeah," Alexis agreed. "Listen. Here's the part."

_"Does fifty feet or less mean anything to you at all?"_ the video continued.

"Fifty feet or less," Esposito repeated.

"She got a restraining order against him," Earlier Kate realized. Alright, run it and get me a name."

"And you," Earlier Castle ordered Alexis, "will go off to school."

"But I was just helpful," Alexis argued.

"Yes, but if I let you out of class every time you were helpful, you'd never go," Earlier Castle countered.

"But I won't be able to focus on school today," Alexis protested. "I just can't concentrate."

"Which will make you just like all the other kids in your class," Earlier Castle told her.

"Dad," Alexis appealed.

"I am serious, or I will call the truant officer," Earlier Castle assured her. "Do you still have truant officers?" he asked Montgomery.

"Budget cuts," Montgomery deadpanned.

"You're so lucky," Earlier Castle informed his daughter.

"Found your stalker," Esposito reported to Earlier Kate. "Franco Marquez, aka Frankie Markie. Hayley filed half a dozen complaints against him. It says here that he even tried to break into her apartment. And when she filed against him, he showed up in court and called her a..." Esposito stopped as he looked at Alexis. "B-I-T-C-H," he spelled.

Earlier Castle shook his head. "She can spell, Detective."

"Probably better than you." Ryan taunted.

"Bring him in," Montgomery ordered Ryan and Esposito.

"And you," Earlier Castle reiterated to Alexis, "to school."

"Fine," Alexis agreed grudgingly.

"Thank you," Earlier Castle called, smiling as she left. "What?" Earlier Castle asked as he noticed Earlier Kate watching him.

"Nothing," Earlier Kate replied. "It's just, I'm so used to you acting like a 12-year-old all the time, it's kind of refreshing to see you as a father."

Earlier Castle smiled lasciviously. "Makes you want me, right?"

Earlier Kate rolled her eyes. "And there's the 12-year-old again."

Kate strengthened her grip on Castle once more as the scene shifted again.

Earlier Kate and Earlier Castle were digging through a dumpster in an alley, not far from Ryan and Esposito, who were doing the same.

"You always take me to the most exotic places," Earlier Castle quipped.

"If you didn't want to jump in, you could have waited on the side like you usually do," Earlier Kate teased, smiling.

"What?" Earlier Castle asked "After the puke storm I put you through last night? It felt wrong not to participate."

"Yeah," Earlier Kate agreed.

"Which, by the way, you were great last night," Earlier Castle told her admiringly.

Earlier Kate smiled at the compliment. "Thank you. You weren't so bad yourself."

"Well, I was no baby whisperer," Earlier Castle confessed as she laughed. "You know, I've gotta say, when I volunteered to take Cosmo I – I thought I was doing it for his benefit, but … I realized I was doing it more for mine. I - when Alexis was little Meredith wasn't really around, so I - I did it all on my own. And … when you said you weren't a baby person …."

"Ah, okay. Okay, I get it," Earlier Kate interjected. "You were thinking that …."

Earlier Castle nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, tell you what. When the time comes, there's no way I'm going to let you take care of our baby on your own."

Sharing a smile, they leaned in for a kiss.

"Hey guys!" Ryan called.

They pulled back as Ryan triumphantly held up bag.

Once more, Kate made sure she had a firm grasp on Castle, as they were transported back to the loft.

"Ryan, you old cop blocker," Castle murmured, finishing the kiss with Kate that his earlier self had missed. "So I'm guessing," he told Kate, as they slowly pulled apart, "that there was a message in all this somewhere."

"I'll leave you to it," Johanna told Kate, shimmering out.

"Yeah," Kate began tentatively, "oh, and by the way, my mom's gone."

Castle nodded. "Okay, so tell me. What was that all about?"

"A couple of things, really," Kate told him. "The first one, about my dream for law school, I think I want to continue that in some way, work toward public office somehow. I want to be able to make a bigger difference."

"And the second?" Castle prompted.

"I also want to have kids," Kate explained, "I just don't know how all that can work."

"Well," Castle told her thoughtfully," that time traveler, Doyle, told us you were going to be a senator and that we were going to have three kids, so obviously we can work it out."

"Castle," Kate exclaimed, "you really believe he was a time traveler?"

"Kate," Castle returned, "we just took a voyage in time with your mother the ghost! If anything, harnessing tachyons seems more likely. The way I see it, there are a couple of ways to go. Once we're married, we can try for a baby. While we're working on that, you see if you can fit some law courses around your schedule or you could try for a starter political office like councilperson, see how it goes. If we can get you pregnant, then we can work around whatever you're doing. If not, I hope we'll have more fun than Ryan did, trying. Whatever happens, we will work it out together."

Kate wrapped her arms around Castle's waist, pressing herself against the warmth of his body. "Castle," have I told you that I love you?"

"You know," Castle whispered. "I did have amnesia, you might have to tell me again."

"I think," Kate purred, stretching to bring her lips to his, "I'll just show you."


	16. Chapter 16

Visitations

Chapter 16

Johanna's Wedding

"Did you have a question?" Johanna asked, appearing before her daughter.

"Yeah," Kate responded. "I was thinking about our wedding and I was wondering what your wedding to Dad was like. I don't remember seeing pictures of it and neither one of you ever told me about it."

Johanna laughed. "I don't think you'd want to use it as a model. You know how your father is, he likes things simple and basic. The whole bourgeois wedding thing wasn't high on my list either, it didn't appeal to my quest for social justice. But your grandparents, my parents and Jim's, they wanted the whole thing - the church, the fancy reception, a thousand guests. Your Aunt Theresa was on that bandwagon too. Your dad played the peacemaker, working out a compromise. We chose a little chapel, not a huge sanctuary, and kept the guest list down to what would fit, about eighty people. We planned a dinner afterward in a restaurant and they provided the cake. It seemed like it would be pretty straight forward. Of course, the best laid plans...,"

It was Kate's turn to laugh. "Tell me about it!"

"Well I can show you," Johanna proposed.

They materialized in the small chapel Johanna had chosen. The chapel was situated within a large church and usually used for youth events and small prayer services. It had a tiny altar and was equipped with a piano instead of an organ. A drum set had been pushed into a corner where several guitars in racks were also against the wall. The pews were filled, with Aunt Theresa sitting proudly in the front with Jim Beckett's mother and father. Johanna's mother sat on the other side, while her father waited in the back with Young Johanna and Margot, her maid of honor.

Kate was startled to see the young version of her mother wearing the same dress in which Kate had almost married Castle. Her hair was long and without ornamentation. She wore no veil. Young Jim Beckett waited nervously in front of the altar with his best man Toddy, a fellow baseball aficionado. A minister stood, ready to start the ceremony, wearing not robes, but a slightly rumpled suit.

Johanna's friend Megan was at the piano and at a signal from Margot, began to play Paul Stookey's wedding song. John, Megan's boyfriend, played a guitar and sang. On her father's arm, Young Johanna followed Margo down the aisle. "Dearly beloved," the minister began as Young Johanna took her place beside her groom. He got no further as bells clanged, echoing off the hard walls of the church. "That's the fire alarm," the minister announced, as calmly as he could. "We need to leave, now."

Young Jim took the lead, organizing the guests to file out of the chapel and the church. "What do we do now!" Aunt Teresa exclaimed, nervously fluttering her hands. "We'll go to the restaurant," Young Jim announced with quiet authority. "The transportation is all set up for that anyway. The minister has to report to the senior pastor, but as soon as he does that, he can ride with us. We can finish the ceremony at the there."

Toddy enlisted several of his and Young Jim's friends to usher people to cars and make sure they knew where they were going, for the trip across town.

Johanna and Kate shifted to the restaurant. With the wedding party arriving more than half an hour earlier than planned, the set up in the banquet room was not yet complete. Staff scurried as quickly as they could to complete their work, while the guests milled around.

When everyone was finally seated, the minister stood up and tapped his glass with a spoon for attention. "First," he began, "I would like to tell you all, that the interruption to the ceremony was the result of a small fire in the church kitchen. I'm sure you'll all be glad to know that everyone was evacuated safely and there were no injuries." There was a murmur of approval throughout the room as he continued. "We do, however, have some unfinished business, so I would like to invite the wedding party to stand in the midst of this assembly."

Young Jim and Young Johanna moved to the front of the room with Toddy and Margot as John strummed softly on his guitar. "Dearly beloved," the minister intoned. "We are gathered here to join Jim and Johanna in holy matrimony. This is a condition not to be entered into lightly, and in consideration of that, the bride and groom have written their own vows. They will give those at this time."

"Young Jim began. "Johanna, I have never been surer of anything in my life than I am of marrying you. You bring joy into every room you enter and light into my life. I can't imagine a world without you. Everything I have and everything I will ever have, I pledge to share with you. I will love you and cherish you, and no matter what the future holds, I will stand by your side. This I promise, forever and always."

Young Johanna continued. "Jim, you are my heart and my rock. Whatever I do, wherever I go, I am stronger with you than without you. I promise to stand with you, support you, and love you, whatever the future may bring. You are my one, my only, forever and always. This I pledge.

"James Beckett, will you take Johanna as you wife?" The minister asked.

"I will," Young Jim affirmed solemnly.

"Johanna Houghton, will you take James as your husband?" the minister continued.

"I will," Johanna agreed smiling tremulously.

Do you have rings?" the minister inquired. Margo and Toddy quickly handed them to Young Jim and Young Johanna.

The couple exchanged rings, repeating after the minister, "With this ring, I the wed."

"As you, James and Johanna have solemnized your marriage with the exchanging of vows and rings, I now pronounce you husband and wife," the minister announced. "You may kiss the bride."

As Jim Beckett held Johanna in passionate embrace, the room erupted in applause. "Ladies and gentlemen,"the minister shouted over the din, "I introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Beckett."

Champagne was poured and Toddy made a toast. After dinner, the restaurant staff wheeled in the cake, a checkerboard of vanilla and strawberry, decorated with fresh flowers. Young Jim and Young Johanna cut it together, each having a hand on the knife, and fed each other. Unable to resist, they kissed the sweetness from each others' lips.

Kate still had the image of her parents' kiss before her as she and Johanna flashed back to the loft, feeling a deep longing to finish what had been postponed in her own life. "It's still too soon to laugh about it," Kate mused softly, "but we were both interrupted by fires."

"Jim and I just recovered more quickly," Johanna agreed, "and over the years we had a lot of laughs about what happened. Let's hope your next try goes off better and in the years to come, you and Castle will be laughing too. My time here is finished - for now. But I have been told that I can come back for your wedding. Apparently that was part of the original wish. So, I'll just say, I'll see you soon."

"Goodbye Mom," Kate called as Johanna faded from sight. Eyes moist, she went to find Castle.

Finis Halloween Bash

A/N After Kate and Rick finally tie the knot onscreen, which for me should be in less than two weeks, I'll bring Johanna's ghost back for a wedding story. In the meantime, I'll still be writing and posting. I hope you had happy hauntings.

Love,

Sally


End file.
